Thoughts and Reflections of a Black Man in America

Returning...standing in the mirror

2008-11-13T01:53:00.000-08:00

I once read....

"don't let niggers call you faggot and dont let faggots call you nigger"

...Tonight I looked in the mirror and saw both...

God bless America.

A Letter to Carol About Barack's Win

2008-11-12T22:59:00.000-08:00

Hello Love!

I could not help but be moved last night given the historic circumstances that we are living under. But as I saw black folks running in the streets, loudly cheering, honking horns until 2 and 3 in the morning I could not help but feel a bit dazzled, bewildered, and downright scared at what the future holds for Black America...The media has appropriated Martin King's "dream" and juxtaposed it with Barack's victory--yet by 1968 King knew that the larger battle was, in some way, defeating the demons of economic exploitation that proved to be as much of an evil as racism was and is in America. Barack made an important point in his victory speech last night of saying that his win is only, and essentially, a minor victory as there is tons of work to be done. In the spirit of this line of reasoning I came across a piece written by James Baldwin for Esquire Magazine in 1960 entitled "Fifth Avenue, Uptown." This except captures my sentiments;

"The people, however, who believe that this democratic anguish has some consoling value are always pointing out that So-and-S0, white, and So-and-So, black, rose from the slums into the big time. The existence--the public existence--of, say, Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis, Jr. proves to them that America is still the land of opportunity and that the inequalities vanish before the determined will. It proves nothing of the sort. The determined will is rare--at the moment, in this country, it is unspeakably rare--and the inequalities suffered by the many are in no way justified by the rise of a few. A few have always risen--in every country, every era, and in the teeth of regimes which can by no stretch of the imagination be thought of as free. Not all these people, it is wirth remembering, left the world better than they found it. The determined will is rare, but it is not invariably benevolent. Furthermore, the American equation of success with the big time reveals an awful disrespect for human life and human achievement. This equation has placed our cities among the most dangerous in the world and has placed our youth among the most empty and most bewildered. This situation of our youth is not mysterious. Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. They must, they have no other models. That is exactly what our children are doing. They are imitating our immortality, our disrespect for the pain of others."

The brotha has risen to heights unimaginable and we honor him but we cannot see this as the victory. We are still battling levels of residential racial segregation that rival any era in American history. We are still battling a failing and broken educational system. We are still battling health disparities along racial and income lines. And, if Barack's race-neutral posture during the election is any indication, we are still battling racism--albeit in a mutated form--institutional racism. The political machine that continues to reproduce these inequalities is the one that got him elected and, which will be the real test of his integrity and resolve, SHOULD be the one he seeks to challenge and, to the best of his ability, change. How will a black man with the highest executive job in the land be constrained? What have we really overcome?

I have no overwhelming sense of joy today...but rather, an overwhelming sense of anticipation. Some may call is cynicism. I call it criticism. You can call it what you like. But we have got a long way to go. As passionately we have supported our now President-Elect in this campaign we must be equally so in holding him accountable as the days, months, and years move forward.

In the SAME America that elected a Black President, Florida, California, and Arizona all voted in favor of amending their constitutions to ban gay marriage, Arkansas voted to ban gay couples from adopting children, and Nebraska voted to ban affirmative action. We have a LONG way to go.

Love ya...

Haron

Live and In Living Color!

2008-08-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Yes...I'm alive...and LIVE from Atlanta, Georgia...

Stay Tuned...there is much to discuss!!! I have not forgotten about you all!

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

Back from the Afterlife

2008-05-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I know..I know..I KNOW!!!!

It's been too long....no excuses...I just haven't been motivated lately...

I leave for Cancun this Friday for a week...so a thorough report is to follow...

I also move to Atlanta in August..

It is indeed my season of change...don't know if it's good or bad...I just know that I'm changing.

I'll be back soon!!!!!

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

A Poem For Those of You Who Thought You'd Never Fall In Love Again

2008-02-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

You left your spirit on my bedsheets
and
for 40 days and 40 nights I laid--
And now you're all over me.
You're in my hair,
in my eyes,
on my skin,
in my teeth.
You're even in my breath
and now it's hard to breathe--

Today I pray that you'll notice that I'm wearing you.
And though I try to run I can't
because you're on my shoulders.
I can only sit--and cry--
and I know why.
Because I am falling in love again.

Sponge

2008-02-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

My heart is not a sponge...

One day I am absorbing you...

And the next you are squeezed out...

And now I feel as if you are about to throw me away.

Sometimes I really wish I could be too proud to be concerned...

But in the end I am just too damn human.

Imagination

2008-02-18T23:24:00.000-08:00

The Devil is a figment of our imagination
and
God IS our imagination...

Repost: A Boy Named Jesus

2008-01-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on 12/19/05

A Boy Named Jesus
By: HX

Last night I made love to a boy named Jesus--
Holy rolling on a funky, anonymous mattress.
Climactic juices squeezed from the vine--
Dulce-bitter
and his stroke turned it into wine.

I loved him
but soon after my advances were crucified--
Heartbroken and dick swollen with delayed desire I touch myself--
screaming in Sodomite bliss.
I need him to come finish this.

But boys like Jesus just don't love boys like me.
They just like the sway of my hips and the sweet of my sweets...

But I hope he knows
That a fuck on every 7th day is alright with me.

Resolved.

2008-01-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

Perfecting the art of silence is the 8th deadly sin.

HX

The Ballad of The Earth People

2008-01-06T00:12:00.000-08:00

The Ballad of The Earth People (A Freewrite in the key of H-Flat)

By: HX

I believe in God. But I can't help but fall when the ground shakes. I believe that I am a believer. And that is about the only thing that I can believe with any conviction. Everything else seems to just be a negotiation between fantasy and reality. Wouldn't it be grand if you could exist and just know. Not the "knowing" that those with faith profess to have but truly "knowing"...knowing that you'll get back up...knowing where your journey is leading you to...knowing when you've reached the end. I guess that is why God is God and you and me are we because we will never have that power. Am I selfish for wanting that power? I didn't ask to be here but yet I have to figure out a way to stay here? We rely on the unexplainable to offer an explanation. And quite frankly I'm sick and tired of negotiating. But I have no choice. I'm an earth person. I'm imperfect. Flawed. Needy. Blessed and cursed with a brain. And you'll have to excuse me but today I'm shaken and I'm staying down. I don't feel like giving up my ghosts quite yet. No Clark Kent. No phone booth. No Superman. Today I'm just human. And I feel numb.

Mi Vida...Es Verdad?

2007-11-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

I think that I have spent so much of my life trying to figure out how to love someone that I have forgotten how to just "be..."

I had to go halfway across the country to finally figure this out...

I am looking forward to falling further into life...and hoping for the day that love is in transit on the same boulevard that I am...

Thanks to Dallas...

PeaceLoveandEternity...

Q

Mother Africa

2007-10-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Mother Africa
By:HX

Mother Africa
is not a catchphrase or
a cliche
so I won't part my lips
until
there's something real to say...

Welcome Back!

2007-09-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

Never have I let nearly two months pass without doing an entry...

Between being busy and letting life happen to me I just haven't had the energy. But I return still in good spirits and health.

I will be travelling to the Dominican Republic in November (November 9th-12th to be exact). I am excited about seeing a new place and actually getting to use some of the spanish I DO know.

God seems to be speaking more loudly to me than ever. I am now realizing that I had to lose religion to become closer to the person that God created me to be. It's a wonderful feeling. I would encourage you all to become critical in your spiritual stance.

As my insipration re-appears the postings will get more frequent...

It's nice to be back...

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

Things I am Realizing on the Eve of My 26th Birthday

2007-08-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

On August 2, 1981 a child was born....

And on the eve of my 26th I am realizing some things...

...The more one seeks to explain God the more confusing he/she becomes. God existed before logic.

...Yet I won't and can't cease in explaning my spiritual position.

...Instinct is a form of spiritual communication. Listen!

...Those people with the heaviest burdens are often the most interesting.

...Sexiness is an attitude and not simply a form of physical being.

...I'll never fall in love like I did the first time because I'll never be able to be that naive again...Sometimes ignorance can be our blessing in life.

...The Devil does not exist.

...Sex without love is like driving without insurance..HIGH RISK!

...The only color that really matters in America is green.

...Cynicism is eventually detrimental to the progressive political mind.

...I don't know if I believe in marriage...I do believe in healthy relationships.

...Will Demps is too pretty to be playin football...It's CRIMINAL!

...It's about time we in the gay community stop and analyze the way we emulate, and make normative, heterosexual roles in our sexual relationships...The tops are the predators and the bottoms are prey...Tops are congratulated in their multiple conquests while bottoms are demonized for their percieved "promiscuous" behavior. We certainly are more diverse and critical as a community...I would like to think...but sometimes I wonder.

I promise not to stay away for so long next time...

P.L.E. (PeaceLoveandEternity),

KB, HX

America....Think About It...

2007-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

What is freedom without justice?

Just a 2 syllable word...

--HX

Puerto Rico Revisited

2007-06-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hello All...

Apologies for the delay but I have had a serious Puerto Rico withdrawl....I miss everything about the island and will be sure to return there soon...Rather than writing paragraphs I will just tell you all some of the notable highlights from my 5 days there...

My roomate and I arrived at the guest hotel and instantly met a group of dudes from Atlanta with whom we hung with for the duration of the trip...

We stayed on the 4th Floor of The Radisson Ambassador Hotel and got security called on us NUMEROUS times during our stay...Our floor turned into freshman year in a dormitory at a HBCU.

I was nicknamed "Southwest" as in Southwest Airlines. There is a story behind it all (I flew American Airlines for the record). For the first 36 hours I was there nobody in the group actually remembered my name. I was "Southwest"

The 4th floor was witness to MUCH scandalous behavior..both IN and OUTSIDE of my room. What happens in San Juan stays in San Juan

I got to visit the rainforest. Watched folks swim underneath the waterfall (I don't swim..lol) Got bit in at least 7 or 8 different spots by random insects. The highlight of the rainforest trip was actually being rained on as we walked back to the car. Surreal!

I had a mini-situation with a couple of dudes who were vying for my attention. By the end of the trip I felt like I was at war in a relationship with one particular person. We are cool now and I am sure will explore some further options when I move down to Atlanta.

On the final night there was a party entitled, The Cotton Party: Boxers or Briefs. There was some confusion as to whether or not you were required to wear underwear only to the party. When it was all set and done I ended up in the club with a V-Neck T-Shirt on and some red nautica underwear...I must have gotten pinched and fondled by half the club...But it was thrilling nonetheless...you only live once.

It was an interesting sight to see when they threw on "Get Me Bodied" at the underwear party. All the dudes who wore bikini underwear jumped up on stage and began recreating the choreography in the video in their own creative ways...There were splits, booty poppin on all fours, people dancing in towels wrapped like dresses...It was wonderful to see the freedom.

I never drank so much for some many consecutive days...Drinking replaced sleeping for me so I had to deal with red eyes for most of my stay.

The 4th floor group became so close that there is discussion about trying to organize everybody to go to the Dominican Republic in November. It looks like it may happen.

It was also interesting to see all the muscle boys...chests popped out...oiled up. But when some of them opened their mouths you realize that they need the bodies to distract from the sheer ugliness of their character...But of course there were some great ones too.

I also have never met so many accomplished, professional, gay, black men. I met school teachers, doctoral candidates, college professors, and other corporate folks alike. It was very empowering.

San Juan (The Condado area) is VERY gay. I was shocked and appalled. But it did create a comfortable environment.

All in all I was very impressed with the event even though it could have been a little better organized. If I had it to do all over again I would be right there. Not DC...and certainly not Miami...They did announce on the final night that this will be the last year that the event will take place in San Juan. Apparently Bill Gates is holding an E-Trade convention in San Juan next Memorial Day Weekend and ALL the major hotels in Condado are already booked. So no more San Juan Brothas. But I do hear that they are considering moving it to a location in Mexico...So we'll see.

I am just mad I am back home...to regular life. But there are always memories. And luckily I made some cool friends..So we'll see what the future holds.

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Soak Up The Sun

2007-05-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Hey All....

Headed to San Juan, Puerto Rico early this morning....

Be back on Tuesday with the full report...

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Dr. Quaheem

2007-05-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well...

Anyone who knows me knows that for the past 3 years I have tried endlessly to gain admission into a Ph.D program in Sociology with no luck...

But then around Wednesday of last week I recieved some startling news from the Department Chair in Sociology at Georgia State University. She informed me that the graduate committee met and recommended that I be admitted into the joint M.A./Ph.D program in Sociology...But because my materials came after the early deadline I would recieve no funding for this admission cycle..

But it is still good news all around because I can defer my admission until the Fall of 2008 and in the meantime do some non-matriculated work where I am and apply for funding by February 1st. Hopefully some good grades will increase my chances for a research assistantship.

Needless to say I can't believe that this has FINALLY happened after all the hard work....the disappointment (think 9 rejections in 2 1/2 years)...and the anxiety. It's pretty much a sure shot that I will be making my way to Atlanta by the Fall of 2008...(to be fair the Department's recommendation has to be officially approved by the Dean of The Graduate School...but rarely do they reject a department's "recommendation")...

So I have a long..LONG journey ahead...But it looks like I can see "Dr. Quaheem" a little bit more clearly now.

In OTHER NEWS...

I will be making my way to Puerto Rico for the San Juan Brothas event. I am really excited about this...I hear that it is a classy event so we'll see if it lives up to the hype...YOU KNOW I will be reporting back...I will also have some interesting company with me. We'll discuss that in my official report!

How's things in your world?

Talk to me!

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Manifesto

2007-04-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Manifesto

By: KB

Dedicated to a liar...

It's men like you
that make
men like me--

You whisper Psalms
into my soul
with
forked tongue.

But I promise you
before
it's all set and done
you will respect the darkness...

And maybe your God
will have mercy.

The Big "O"

2007-03-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Will be in Orlando for the next week...

I will report back upon my return...

Until then stay blessed.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

UPDATES!

2007-03-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

Well I have never let an entire month go by without updating my blog....but it seems that the energy in ol' bloggerville is at an all time low...Have folks moved on to other mediums of communication and I just haven't been notified? Maybe folks are just busy with LIFE...and I can understand that....because I have.

After 2 years and multiple rejections from various graduate programs I finally recieved an acceptance to Teachers College at Columbia University. Although I am still waiting on 3 other places I feel like this is quite an achievement for me...And I have a strange feeling that I will end up there...But first things first; I need to get 3 more more decision letters and also hope that the financial aid packages are good to me....cuz a brotha aint ballin.

In celebration of my minor triumph I decided to shell out the cash and go to Puerto Rico for Memorial Day Weekend. I will be there alone (as usual) and attempting to get my "groove" back (in a R rated sort of way). So hopefully I can bump into some brothers with more than an ounce of class and dignity because it is certainly loooong overdue for me. I will also be in Orlando in about a week and a half on a psuedo-business trip/VACATION. And since I really enjoyed myself in Orlando last year I am looking forward to it again.

Things personally have not been the greatest. I think I am still feeling some of the emotional aftershocks of what happened to me around the New Year. I miss being able to trust people. I miss being able to trust myself. And so the only way I know how to maintain my sanity is by being a tad bit more coldblooded than I normally am...I know it ain't right but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to keep your own ship afloat. And I am barely floating right now...but floating nonetheless.

I am feeling extremely needy...but yet I am way to PRIDEFUL to ever admit that openly to anyone I was seriously interested in. I just feel wrong. But my more rational side tells me that a sense of "wrong-ness" comes with the territory. So I suppose that I have conceded to that fact.

There is still plenty to be joyful about...

And there is still plenty to be worried about...

Because...

This is still my life.

PEACEloveandETERNITY

Q

REPOST: "JustUs"

2007-02-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

Came across this piece that I posted sometime before....After finding it scribbled on an index card and re-reading it moved me in a different way...so I'll share it again....

JustUs

By: HX

Is it the fuck in my strut
that sends your pulse swingin'?
Or is it
this obsene machine
attached to my hips
that makes you wanna build snowmen in June?
Would it be safe to assume
that the sweet smell of
the sound of
my merry-go-round
increases
your propensity
towards fidelity
with me?
What if I
could be sweeter to you
than
Mother Africa
before the slave--
sweet like lips
that speak truth to power--
sweet like
the caress of
the moon
in the midnight hour--
even sweeter
than me
on my knees in submission--
And before this world needed justice
there was just us
so with your permission
I'd like to return us
to that condition.

St. Valentines Day

2007-02-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting here...not at work...listening to the hail come down outside. I decided not to brave the elements and go into the office today. I love having the flexibility with my job that I do...I am blessed indeed.

And today is another Valentine's Day. I do not have good luck on this day. I was cheated on on Valentine's Day. So everytime this day rolls around I tend to get a slightly ill feeling. And considering how my year has been going so far it seems pretty damn appropriate that I am sort of snowed in today. A couple of my good friends and I had planned on going to an upscale dinner tonight in celebration of our single/unhappily attached existences...But that is not going to happen until Friday. At least there is something to look forward to.

I feel as if I am morphing back into a similar version of the person I was about 2 or 3 years ago...bitter, jaded, pessimistic, sarcastic...I find it ironic that I am making that assessment of myself given the fact that some people have told me that about myself recently...Though they came to similar conclusions as I have, their basis for those conclusions seem to be unfounded. It seems like everyone wants to weigh in on who they THINK you are or what your problem is without actually taking the time to sit down an analyze the situation...And to be fair, first impressions are the most powerful so perhaps that has been the energy I have been giving off...who knows...All I DO know is that I'd rather struggle with myself than having to deal with some exterior "mass" of dysfunction.

I am realizing for the first time in my life that outside of being loved I REALLY want to be liked...With true "love" comes, in my opinion, obligations...responsibility. I have been in love with someone that I soon realized that I really did not like...I didn't like his personality and I didn't like to be around him. But I was already in love with him and felt the responsibility of making things work. I was stuck and it was horrible..."Liking" someone is the gateway to a healthy relationship. To love someone you actually LIKE is a beautiful thing.

This is our challenge in trying to love...

Like is the "means"

Love is the "end"

And I realize that all these years I have been doing all of this backwards...falling in love (or trying to) and hoping that I will "like" this person...rather than succumbing to the "like" and letting it carry me to love...

This is all too complicated at times. I pray that I have the strength to finally make sense of it all because without the strength bad things can happen (think: Phyllis Hyman)...

Anyhow...enjoy your day. Live to Love and don't Love to Live.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

10 Q's From Q

2007-01-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

Hmmm....

(1) Why in the aftermath of my breakup have I been insanely horny? Is it wrong to just want a midnight jumpoff? Why does it feel wrong?

(2) Why is 80's James Brown my FAVORITE period in his career? His bands were tight..almost Vegas-y...And here was a man in his late forties and early fifties still doing splits...still doing 2 hour sets...still working the SHIT out of his band. Genius!! Need more evidence? http://youtube.com/watch?v=Rfm8yUPJ71U

(3) Is anyone else convinced that Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come" is one of the greatest (if not the greatest) vocal performances EVER?

(4) Quaheem is ready to go out on a date. Any takers?

(5) Why is "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart more informative than the "REAL" news?

(6) Why did I choose to go to Vegas this past November when the NBA All Star Game is in Vegas in 2 weeks? Dammit...coulda got me a balla... (you don't keep them...you just "play" with them)

(7) Is anybody else as impressed with the Nintendo Wii as I am? I'mma have to drop some duckets on that...

(8) Why have I not seen my father in 5 years? And why do I have a strange feeling I will never see him alive again?

(9) Why did I go through a half of a liter of Belvedere Vodka in two sittings? Maybe it's just that damn good...

(10) I need some vacation suggestions...Anyone? (I'll be in Orlando for a week in early April--work related but I will PARTY more than work)...I need to find another nice place to get away to...

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

The Recovery

2007-01-22T02:12:00.000-08:00

Well...

It seems like I am doing better these days. The sting of the end of my relationship still lingers but it is not nearly as painful as it was about 3 weeks ago. Feels good to be single again (where I probably should have stayed in the beginning...but everything happens for a reason).

In trying to move forward I am really wondering if I am at all even capable of being in a relationship. I just know that recently I have had a physical urge...an urge to lay with someone...An urge to have unapologetic, hot, steamy, sweaty, agressive sex...Perhaps that is a result of the dreaded "rebound syndrome"...who knows. But you know what they say...The easier way to get OVER someone is to get UNDER someone else.

Maybe I'll try it...maybe not. Depends on where my conscience is.

But I am accepting applications once again. The admissions process has been overhauled and revised...The standards are much higher. So apply if you really think you have got a shot. I will not be taking any more "chances" with anyone.

I also had the unfortunate pleasure of having gossip come back to me regarding my sexuality...And ironically it ain't from straight people either. I mean...My closest friends and my mother all know...and once that happened (both voluntarily and accidentally) I made a vow that it really was nobody elses business...I am comfortable in my skin...who I choose to love is MY choice...why are people so concerned?

It's really been burning me up over the weekend. Not necessarily the information that was divulged (to people I supervise mind you) but rather, the outright catty and gossipy nature of some of our Same Gender Loving brothas. To be fair, I actually think straight men are more catty and gossipy than we will all give them credit for...so don't think I am falling into a rampant stereotype about homosexual men...But the fact remains that some of my brethren act as if they were beamed straight out of an episode of "Girlfriends." It truly is frustrating because I think we can all be so much more "loving" towards one another...I guess this is one of the reasons why I have not EVER really been able to connect on a friendship level with too many gay men and the women that I am REALLY good friends with are more domineering, straightforward, and NON catty...In other words--they stay out of DRAMA.

But it is definitely alright...You have to cut the grass to figure out where the snakes are.

And quite frankly I think many dudes spend endless hours trying to figure out your sexuality because they want to fuck you or get fucked by you THEMSELVES.

We really gotta do better by each other.

Peaceloveandeternity,

Q

Enlightenment and Insanity

2007-01-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

I keep tellin' myself

Without

shit

flowers

could

not

grow...

I just can't figure out if I am the shit or the flowers...

The End of a Love Affair

2007-01-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

So...

This relationship between NYBoy and I has gone bust...

All I can say is that it came to a violent conclusion...publicly.

I was swolen...slightly bloodied...and totally emasculated. But I am still standing and trying to piece some things together.

The way I see it is that if you are never broken you will never know how sweet it is to be "together." I just THOUGHT I was a good judge of character. Apparently not.

So...I am back in the field again.

Amen.

Glass O' Wine

2007-01-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

Glass O' Wine

By: HX

Seems like I've given up
so please excuse my candor--
But--
All I need tonight
is a hard dick
and
a glass o' wine--
I need someone
to cum
all over my bottom line...

The Poet

2007-01-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

The Poet

By: HX

I am not a poet.
I am a foothill
between the here
and the hereafter.
Inspired by
neither joy
nor happiness
but rather
tragedy...
So step 1 means losing you...

I am not a poet
but it seems that I do
what poets do.

Nigger

2006-11-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

There has been much debate in my sphere about the word "Nigger" and why White people can't use it and Black people can. In the last three weeks I have gotten into HEATED debates with
people over this very subject...and I have come to the same conclusion...

Those who spend their time debating/arguing over the validity of the word NIGGER ought to maybe direct their efforts towards changing a social order that privileges some and oppresses others.

The word NIGGER would not have any saliency if there were not an accompanying social order for which it's use could justify. "Nigger" is the ideological crutch that helped, helps, and will continue to help maintain the system of White Supremacy in America.

My frustration is that many folks inside and outside the black community continue to attack the WORD "Nigger" but fail to attack the Power Elite, who in their wealth and whiteness, continue to exploit the most vulnerable Americans.

Perhaps there is an uproar about this word because in this post-Civil Rights Movement era many folks think that we have "transcended" the questions of race and racism in America. To them I say that the Civil Rights Movement, even with it's revolutionary spirit, was tangibly a reform movement...and the one MAJOR policy change that arose from the struggle (Affirmative Action) has not actually done what it was intended to do for Black and Brown Americans. We have not transcended the race question.

White folks want to bury the race question...perhaps because of the sub-conscious (or unconscious) guilt about their own privilege and Black folks have been fooled into believing that the issue surrounding the word "Nigger" is actually an important one as it concerns the social, political, and economic well-being of our community.

The state of our collective existence as a community is because of a generational lack of inclusion (de jure and de facto) in the American social project. In other words, the Nigger debate is a red herring in my opinion.

Now this is NOT to say that perhaps as a community we shouldn't have a discussion about the generational psychological effects that the label of NIGGER has had on us. I think we should. I just don't think we should think that burying the word will be the silver bullet that kills our "self-hatred" and the racism of White folks. Because the fact remains....IT WON'T.

For Michael Richards (Kramer) the usage of the word "nigger" was about him expressing his superiority as a white man over black folk. And the racist reality of the system is in harmony with that expression.

Quite frankly this is why White people are not allowed to use it...because we know what their INTENT is. We know about slavery...we know about Jim Crow...we know about racism. And the "Kramer's" of the world know EXACTLY what emotions such a word coming out of the mouth of a white person will evoke. It is as sinister as you can get.

I say all this to say...it's time for progressive people (of all races, creeds, colors, ages, sexes, and sexual orientations) to have more meaningful discussions about social uplift...

Just my opinion...I could be wrong.

Vegas Memories PT II

2006-11-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

First of all...Happy Holidays to all...Although I am thankful for all that I have and all that I will soon have I conceptually do not celebrate Thanksgiving. For those who do, ask yourself the question: "Do you think that Native Americans celebrate Thanksgiving?"

Now on to the recap. Overall Vegas was great for the beau and I. It was definitely a time where we got to know one another better. Rather than write paragraph after paragraph (which can sometimes be painful) I am just going to give some of the highlights/lowlights

---It was NYBoy's first ever flight. Why was I more scared than he was? He said it felt like a rollercoaster ride.

---The hotel, as usual, was wonderful.

---The club we went to was great although NYBoy's friend from Vegas kept continually trying to hit on us both...HARD

---It got so bad that after the club NYBoy stormed off in a rage after his friend tried to grab his "stuff" in the bathroom. We then proceeded to get in a heated argument in the middle of Las Vegas boulevard at about 4:30 am because he wanted to take a 25 dollar cab home and insisted that we use our 5 dollar, 24 hour bus passes since we were right by bus stop.

---We slept in seperate beds that night (yes the hotel fucked up and gave us a double when I BOOKED a king sized suite)

---We had a ball at the Houdini Magic Shop at Caesar's Palace on the strip. We brought some neat card tricks there and NYBoy bought some fake scratch off tickets. Every ticket is a 10,000 dollar winner. He bought 3 of them and gave 1 to his mother and the other 2 to 2 friends of his.

---We had a nice dinner at Vic & Anthony's (a steakhouse) in our hotel. I order the Veal Chop for a whopping $39.75. Why upon finishing it I feel a rumbling in my stomach and try to rush to the bathroom (which is outside of the restaurant and inside the casino). Needless to say I did not make it to the bathroom before vomiting. I vomit up a 70 dollar meal right into my hands as I am standing on the outskirts of the casino looking for the nearest bathroom. One of the attendants directs me to a garbage can that I could toss my "upchuck" into. This was the most expensive meal I never ate.

---I lost about 200 dollars playing the "Powerball" slot machine.

---NYBoy was about 30 seconds away from winning a 2007 Ford Mustang. Celebrating it's 60th anniversary, the hotel was doing drawings every day for 30 days and giving away 30 Ford Mustangs. So on this particular night a name is called and the person is not there. They had 3 minutes to make it there to claim their prize. at 2 minutes and 30 seconds they draw another name name in anticipation of the first person not showing up. It is NYBoy's name. All of a sudden the woman shows up, NYBoy tries to point her in the wrong direction but it doesn't work. NyBoy returns to the room in AGONY.

---NYBoy had to go to Walgreens so he left the room and went. On his way back he gets into the elevator with a white couple. The woman begins speaking to him and asking him questions about how he is liking Vegas. The white man leans over to his wife as says "Don't ask the black guy questions."

---NYBoy and I got all kind of stares in the hotel all week long. At certain points we felt like white people were looking at us like we were not supposed to be there or suprised that we could afford it. Prejudice and Bigotry still live.

All in all it was a restful and enlightening trip. I do think it's made our relationship stronger to have shared such an experience. It's our first vacation and certainly not our last.

In any event...enjoy your holiday...don't eat too much...

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Vegas Part II

2006-11-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

The beau and I are off to Sin City today for 6 days and 5 nights...

It should be an "interesting" time to say the least...

Will have a full report when I return....

Until then, stay out of trouble!

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

I Saw The Devil Today

2006-11-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

This piece is dedicated to the fools who dance in this collective reality...drunk with religion.

I Saw The Devil Today

By: HX

I saw The Devil today
And he spoke of love
and God---
Man and Woman.
Breathed fire
into my heaven...
Thinking he's humanity
but is really
only its enemy.

He breathed Holy fire
and I burn
because of my desire--

Hell
is
merely
a
place
in the here and now...

10 Q's from Q

2006-10-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

***Sidebar*** NYBoy and I made it official last weekend...so nearly 6 years of single life are over...we'll see how it goes...

(1) Where are all the Black preachers who are outraged about The war in Iraq, republican sex scandals, poverty in America? I guess they are too busy preaching the theology of the American Dream.

(2) Is it just me or does it seem like John Legend has been hiding all that body?

(3) Isn't Janet Jackson's album a steaming pile of dog shit? What passes for music these days is laughable.

(4) Is anybody else planning to move to Canada before the Bush-induced apocalypse commences?

(5) Is anybody else sad that Toure has lent his talent to the useless 30 minutes that is called "The Black Carpet" on the useless network called BET?

(6) This ain't a question...more of a statement...but...Reggie Bush. DAMN!

(7) Have you ever thought about the possibility that Christianity got the story wrong? What if Jesus was just a regular ol' heathen like the rest of us? What if there was no cross and no resurrection...What if he never even existed?

(8) Aren't Alaskan King Crab Legs the best shit ever?

(9) Why am I so excited about Vegas in 3 weeks? Maybe it's because it's NYBoy's first time flying and I'll be by his side to experience it with him.

(10) Anybody else out there as much of a fan of Terence Trent D'Arby as I am (now known as Sananda Matrieya)? Check out his best album (in my opinion) Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

The Beginnings of a Love Affair (So It Seems)

2006-10-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

So....It seems like I have travelled to a parallel universe...

2 weekends ago NYBoy came up to CT to spend the weekend with me. We laughed, we talked, I cooked him dinner, we had cocktails and champagne, we laid next to each other and talked some more...It was a new feeling for me. I was "domestic" for a weekend with someone who enjoyed EVERY single minute of it. It was wonderful.

Then, last weekend I went down to nyc to see him (I only intended to stay that Saturday--but it ended up with me leaving on Monday afternoon). We went out to dinner with his best friend and I met another one of his friends and his sister-in-law. The funny thing is that when he calls me "baby" I don't cringe--maybe it's because I can feel how for real he is when he says it...So I said all of that to say that things are going well...We are BOTH excited about 6 days and 5 nights in Las Vegas that is coming up in about a month. He's never been on a plane before so it will be an INTERESTING experience indeed. The idea of sharing this all with him is thrilling though...

We are going to make some memories in the desert...and I can't wait.

On another front, the independent study is coming along well. I have not done this much reading, analyzing, and discussing in my life...but I am glad I am experiencing it now...it should be a nice preview for Master's/Doctoral work. I am also finalizing my graduate school list and am soon going to begin working on all the parts and making the contacts that I need to make (In the graduate school game it's not necessarily what you know all the time but WHO you know). Hopefully this time next year I will be a FULL TIME graduate student well on my way to becoming a PAID professional rabble rouser (which I think should be the job of, at least, black intellectuals and, at most, ALL intellectuals).

All in all life seems to be on the upswing for me FINALLY...My bed is warming up and my future looks bright--this is what it must feel like to win.

Let's just hope that the streak continues...

Until next time....

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

(When It Get's Right Down 2 It) I Still Love You

2006-10-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

Written in a whimsical moment of inspiration...this is dedicated to the person that used to be THE ONE...God has placed me in a new state of mind but I remember how it was...I remember how I felt...and I remember the love.

You were the crossroad....and for that I will always be grateful.

Yes...This is a love song.

(When It Gets Right Down 2 It) I Still Love You
By: HX

Woke up this mornin'
25 roses in my bed.
Rolled over to kiss ya
But there you were
standing in my head.
It was then that I knew
that without you
all there could be was misery.
I know they say diamonds for forever
but
what about me?

Walked to work this mornin'
Repeating the lines
of your love letters
while
hummin' made up melodies
as if it would make it any better.
How could a dream come true
become a nightmare so new?
I thought God was supposed
to have mercy
But it seems like he's cursed me--without you

But when it's all set and done
And
When it gets right down 2 it
I still love you.

Where The Hell You Been Boy?

2006-09-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well I said it wouldn't happen....

I said that I would be like everyone else...

I said I wouldn't disappear....but alas...working 2 straight weeks of 15 + hour days just zapped every bit of energy I possibly had.

But the kid has returned in better and, more rested form.

UPDATES!!!!

--I started my indpendent studay project with my advisor/mentor about 2 weeks ago. This qualifies as non-matriculated master's work and I hope that I will be able to produce a writing sample that will best illustrate my intellectual abilities so that I can get into a M.A./Ph.D program FINALLY. What is my topic you ask? Well my main research question is: How is Liberalism concieved and implemented in a racialized context? In other words, why is it that White Liberals seem to be racially inclusive when it comes to ideologies and certain policies but are reduced to their racist whims when the situation is not economically, socially, or politically convenient to them? Being a product of a predominently white, Top 25 Liberal Arts college this has been the all-too-constant experience that I have had with White people who define themselves as "Liberals." It should be fun to inch towards at least a preliminary conclusion.

--Also I've met someone. I went out about 3 weeks ago to Krash in NYC (by myself, of course). So I am chillin along the wall doin my lil' two step and I catch eyes with a cutie who is apparently there with someone; that I assumed at the time was his man (it actually was his best friend). We locked eyes for about 3 or 4 minutes across the crowded room. When it was over I just went back to doing what I was doing. About 30 minutes later he made his way near me and tugged at my jeans to summon me over to where he was sitting. I sat down and we began to talk. In fact we talked in a crowded, noisy club for about 3 hours. And the rest was a wrap. I have seen him for last 2 weeks....And I don't know exactly what I am feeling right now. I have been single for nearly 6 years and the prospect of "returning to love" scares me and thrills me at the same time. I just hope he is patient with me. And we will see where it all goes. For the purposes of further discussion of him I'll call him NYBoy.

--Why in the last two days have I had intense intellectual arguments with people? I was called "Anti-American" in the first one for suggesting that Hezbollah has done more rebuilding of Lebanon than FEMA has done in New Orleans. But ain't the shit true? In the second argument this kid and I were discussing my independent study topic and I was explaining to him the concept of "instituional racism" and how really our society is no more or less racist than it was 100 years ago but as shifts in our economic system have taken place, the nature of "racism" has changed to compliment that. Well he goes on a tangeant about how "slavery is over" and the real problem is that Blacks don't value education like they should and blah, blah, blah. I was trying to explain to him that the crime in his argument is the simplistic reduction of the plight of Black people in America to simply being a fault of their own. Then he preceded to call my views "ignorant as hell" and then "I" proceeded to get offended and hang up on him. I can handle differing opinions but what I cannot handle is someone reducing a well thought out argument of mine to simple ignorance...How disrespectful...isn't a debate supposed to consist of two people who respect both sides of an argument? I respected his opinion even if it was not that well thought out (in my opinion). I guess that's what you come up against in these intellectual pursuits.

--I also decided to go back to Las Vegas in November for 6 days. It seems that NYBoy would like to accompany me this go round. I was trying to get a better sense of how how serious he was last night and so I asked him..."Are you really serious about coming with me to Vegas?" and he replied, "As serious as a heartattack." So I guess for the time being I have a travel partner...It should be an "interesting" trip...I will keep you all posted.

I think I have sufficiently updated you all...Glad to be back in the swing of things. Holla at me!

Peaceloveandeternity

I'm Alive

2006-08-31T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hey people.....I'm alive...I been workin 15 hours days for the last two weeks and TOTALLY exhausted....I will definitely post next week and get back into the normal swing of things....

Stay Tuned....

Vegas Memories

2006-08-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

Well folks I have returned...and I must say that Las Vegas was a grand ol time. I sepnt 5 days and 4 nights there in celebration of my 25th birthday (on August 2nd) and it was everything that everybody has told me that it would be and more...

Unfortunately I went there alone but I figure if you can't enjoy yourself WITH yourself then why the hell are you living in the first place? So I made my my journey. This was the first time I flew all alone and for the most part it was an okay experience (I just hate the take-off and landing). I got there last Thursday at about 7:00 pm (Las Vegas time) and by the time I got all my luggage and was off to the Hotel it was after nine. I checked into my room and layed down for an hour. Before I knew it it was 12:00 AM and time to head out on the town. I hit this one "alternative" club on the strip since it was Hip Hop Night there and my chances of seeing some colored folks was much higher. And I must say it was an enjoyable experience. To my suprise I counted 8 people that said something to me...Not that I am that vain that I count but it just unusual for me to get that much attention. Clubbing in New York as much as I have has made me used to dudes being evasive...As I have said before, I love clubbing out of town because people are generally nicer, less vain, and not as pretentious. I did manage to meet a cutie whom I had lunch with the next day so it was all good. Nothing else came of it tho. But he was a cutie nonetheless.

My drunkeness the day before really put me out of commission for the entire day of Friday. I just chilled in the comfortable bed of the hotel room. The only time I managed to get out is when I went to to the mall to meet "the cutie" and when I went to McDonald's to get something to eat.

I did decide that I would make Saturday more of my sightseeing day. My hotel was located in Downtown Vegas (in essentially "old" Vegas). Becuase of the location there was a lot to see and do around Fremont Street. So I walked up and down Fremont and indulged in a monstrous, New Orleans Style Daquiri that got me "right" pretty quickly. Having that drink put me in the mood to go back out which I did on Saturday night. I ended up going back to the same club that I went to on Thursday night. Things were a bit different this time as there was a surplus of White guys and no hip hop, r&B, or reggae music. But I drank and enjoyed being away nonetheless and prayed nobody talked to me and for the most part that is exactly what I got.

I made it back to my hotel room and made a serious of drunken phone calls (one in particular that involves leaving a voicemail to HartfordLady that told her that Fidel Castro was dead; which he wasn't). On Sunday I decided to hit the strip again and check out another mall out there. I ended up buying another pair of sneakers...which happen to go with a number of my outfits quite nicely.

Monday I had to check out of my room by 12:00 pm. I checked out at 10 and went in search of someplace to eat. I eventually found a nice buffet that ran me $6.99 (another reason why I love Vegas--Cheap ets). But being out at 12 posed a delimma for me because my plane didn't leave until 11:59 pm so I had the hotel store my luggage and I just walked around a little, went back up to the mall, and gambled A LOT (in a losing effoort of course). I made my way back to Connecticut that night and arrived back here at about 10:45 AM...I am GLAD to be home and back to state of normalcy...The best metaphor for Las Vegas that I heard is that it's like Disneyland for adults. Vegas is certainly not a place you bring the kids on a vacation. It is truly SIN CITY...and I enjoyed every bit of it.

It was so good that I am thinking about going back in October and taking my mother since she's never flown before and never been anywhere besides New Jersey, Baltimore, and North Carolina. I wonder if I can still be bad with moms in the house?

Shit, of course I can!

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

2006-08-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Vegas today!!!!

Will have a full report when I retrun on Tuesday.

Until then...Enjoy Ya Weekend..Whatever you are doing.

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Changes

2006-07-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I had in the beginning because, quite frankly, I ran out of steam...and I didn't wanna post just for the sake of posting...it needs to MEAN something.

Currently work has been good and as the summer goes on it's getting more and more busy...And in the everlasting quest to be called Dr. Quaheem I have decided to take some non-matriculated graduate courses to strengthen my credentials for my application to graduate school. I am taking one course this summer and two in the fall. The summer course started on July 17th and it has been going good being in the classroom again. I am determined to get where I need to be and I realized that I am going to have to take some non-traditional routes to get there.

In other developments...my birthday is THIS Wednesday and I leave for Las Vegas this Thursday. I am definitely excited. I DID find out that HartfordLady will not be able to go with me so I will have to go to Vegas ALONE this time around but hey sometimes that is the way it is. But the fun will not stop...if you can't enjoy yourself WITH yourself then you have lost half the battle. If anyone has any tips about any hot places to go (clubs, casinos, restaurants) definitely holla at me.

Also, this weekend I had a date. I made my way to NYC on Friday and met the dude for the first time. He was definitely a cutie, nice body, nice person, CLEAN apartment. We enjoyed dinner in a quaint little French restaurant in Chelsea. The food was ON POINT and the company was not bad at all either. I hope that perhaps we will be able to have dinner once again and who knows where it can go. It's nice to be single and testing the waters. I wouldn't have it any other way at this moment in time. It's also nice to go on a date with someone where the chemistry is a positive one. I walked away feeling good about this one..EVEN if I did spend the night at his place (try to use your imagination on that one, but dont let to go too far..lol).

Needless to say it was a good weekend for a change and things are looking UP. I am going to try to squeeze out one more post before I hit Vegas on Thursday...

So be on the lookout.

10 Q's From Q

2006-07-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

I got some things I need to get off my chest...So here it goes.

(1) How STUPID is Ben Wallace? Yeah I know he got more money from the BULLS but who in the hell thinks they will compete for a championship ANYTIME soon? It just goes to show you that MONEY outweighs PRINCIPLE most of the time.

(2) Why doesn't Yolonda Adams do an R&B Album? Rhythm and Blues NEEDS you badly Yolonda!!! The difference between her and all the pop tarts out now and that SHE CAN SING....and LIVE. I can go to any street corner in the Hood USA and find somebody that can remotely sound like Keyshia Cole....But there is only one Yolonda..enough said.

(3) Why don't people understand that racism is NOT about personal attitudes but is all about POWER. Simple equation here people. Racism = prejudice + power. Given that equation I will say that Black people cannot be racist. We can be prejudiced as hell. When a group of black people can use their prejudice to negatively alter the life outcomes of white people then MAYBE I will call them racist.

(4) Being Black, educated, gay, and single is a HARD thing. I have heard many black women talk about how HARD it is for them to find a man worth keeping and to them I say....Join the club. Where are all the college educated, masculine (not knockin the "non" masculine brothas you just know what turns you on), progressive minded brothas at? I'm looking for you.

(5) Is it me or is anyone else tired of dudes walking around in what I call "thug drag." It's fine if your style is urban centered (shit mine is) but the difference between ME and MANY of them that I see is that what they are wearing is a "costume" and they have not realized it yet (or maybe they have).

(6) Did ya'll hear that BET wouldn't allow John Amos to join the rest of the former cast of "Good Times" on the stage because he was "too old?" So once again we see a black family, reunited, (albeit fictional) without a father. Just more evidence of BET not being FOR US. I am surprised Harry Belafonte showed up considering the SHIT that he's talked around the world in the past couple of years. Bush or BET? Which one is doing more harm to the Black Community?

(7) Why do I roll my eyes everytime I see a picture of Jesse Jackson? What would Martin think of him these days? This is what happens when the "revoloution" has corporate sponsors (copyright Meshell N'degeocello).

(8) Isn't sex overrated? Am I saying this because I just don't get any?

(9) Why is it that you can't have a banging church choir without some gay people in it? Why is it that we know of gay pastors, deacons, missionaries, trustees, and parishoners yet everybody goes about their business and says nothing? Why is it that many of us stay in the congregation amidst hateful interpetations of the Bible that demonize us? Why would I rather go to hell than to "romp" in the heaven that these people are selling us?

(10) Isn't Las Vegas going to be fun? I can't wait. I hope I dont have to go alone. If I do then oh well...Life is too short....You gotta get all you can WHEN you can.

Vegas On My Mind

2006-07-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well...as I told you all before..in celebration of my 25th birthday I have decided that it was time to make some moves..

So on this past Thursday I finally got the nerve to book a tip to Las Vegas on August 3 thru August 7th (my birthday is August 2nd). I was pleased to book 4 nights and airfare for less than 700 bucks (yes it's tacky giving out numbers but this deal was so good I could not keep it to myself). Since it is so cheap I will definitely be returning.

Although it hurt me to actually spend the money (I can be cheap at times) I am very excited about the excursion. This is the farthest out west I have been.. I have been to Denver, Colorado before and it was HORRIBLE. Denver is quite possibly the whitest place on earth...so you can imagine I didn't have a good time.

I really decided that this birthday would not be like other recent ones (think: horrible)...It's time to start living and what better place to do it besides Vegas? As of now I am going alone but that can change if HartfordLady finds the money to fly out or I decide to take a special someone...but whether or not I am alone will not stop my fun....It's been a really difficult 365 days and it lends itself to a celebration....25 means you are officially out of your early twenties...

It also means that...

You would rather go to a club where they serve drinks in glasses rather then Solo cups...

You were born before "Purple Rain" and "Thriller" we both released...

You remember when "In Living Color" and "Martin" premiered (not the re-runs)...

You were born before Micheal Jordan started playing in the NBA...

You remember record players and 45s..

You remember when "The Simpsons" was just a sketch on the "Tracy Ullman Show"...

You remember "Pong", "Atari", and "Nintendo Entertainment System" (sidebar: Do you remember the hard ass controllers and the "Power Pad?")

You remember the new Coke and how it failed miserably...

You remember when everbody having PAGERS was all the rage (even if the service was not connected)...

You remember "The Snake," "The Wop," and "The Running Man."...

You remember "Yo! MTV Raps"...

Needless to say I am glad and content in moving into this new phase in my life...

Maybe someone can relate??

Growing Up

2006-06-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

So I decided to go out this past Friday since there would be a lot of activity because of the NYC Pride festivities...

I hadn't been out since the first week in May when I got REALLY sick...And it all began great.

I met my friend on the pier...She and I were roomates in my junior year of college. She had a boyfriend then and NOW she is engaged to be married to a woman...OH how times change but they are happy together. Actually her fiance is an alum of the college as well. They graduated in the same year and got together. It's a love story. I hope all is well...it lets me know that all hope is not gone.

But anyway, I digress.

I met my friend in The Village and we walked along the pier for a second and then decided to go down to Uno's in the area where her fiance bartends and have a couple of drinks there while she was finishing up work. So we did that and we had a good time. I have never been an establishment where the entire staff seemed to be gay...It was a sight to see. I met a cute jamaican guy with dreads. When were introduced he didn't shake my hand or look me in the eyes. I really thought he didn't like me. Well when we left I was told..."You know ______ asked about you?" I was shocked. Needless to say I passed my number along and he's called twice. He is a real estate agent full time, owns a home, is 31....I LIKE. We'll see where it goes.

When we all left Uno's we went back to the pier and sat for like 30 minutes and talked. It was kewl. By the time I knew it it was after 12 and time to go to the club...GOD wasn't that interesting....

First of all I decided to go to The Playground. I hadn't been there in months since it reopened so it seemed like a logical choice. All I had was my bookbag which had my umbrella, return ticket on greyhound to CT, and my CD Player. To my surprise there was NO coatcheck in the club so I had to keep my bookbag with me. Luckily it was one of those black, gap bags so it went with the outfit I was wearing. So I go in and go straight to the bar and the place over time fills up...But I felt like a fish out of water...I was just observing the majority of clubgoers sporting the THUG look (which I affectionately call thug drag...because it is) and I just realized that I have grown out of this particular environment. To tell you the truth I would prefer a lounge which nice seating, nice music, nice drinks, and moderately crowded. I saw many familiar faces who either didn't notice me or didn't speak. All I could do is shake my head. I mean if I find someone attractive their face is FOREVER etched in my memory bank...but apparently everybody is not like me.

Basically I say this to say that I am over the New York club scene. It's tired. When I was 21 I would have had no problem with the thug drag and a packed club...But a month away from my 25th birthday I realized that it just ain't my scene anymore. Maybe I am just weird. Maybe I just think too damn much. Or maybe it's that I am growing up.

The only thing I know is that it will be a long time before I go to a gay club in New York again. I leave that to the "fabulous" others.

There has to be more out there.

I do certainly hope to talk to the jamaican fellow I've befriended. It is very rare that I come across a person and the attraction is mutual. So maybe it's hopeful wishing but dammit I deserve something and someone that will work out for me.

In bad news, I kinda seriously cut my left thumb last night cooking dinner and as I ran to the bathroom a bloody mess I realized that I had run out of band aids. So I went and knocked on the neighbor's door on the 2nd floor. The neighbor's husband came to the door. I stood there holding my bloody thumb in toilet tissue and explained to him that I needed a band aid because I had run out of them. He peeked from behind the door and politely told me he didn't have any and that was the end of our coversation. I eventually found a first aid kit from the Campus Safety Office (I do reside on campus here) and was able to clean it up and bandage it. When I got myself settled I really thought about how shady it was that the neighbor didn't try to help the situation any. I mean he could have been out of band aids but if someone had cut themselves and was bleeding I would let them in and make sure they are ok. But everybody is not me. I just hope they don't need anything from me soon....CUZ I DONT HAVE IT! Yes, yes you might be saying that I should take the high road with this one...

FUCK THAT! Sometimes the principle of a particular situation means that you have to make an unpopular decision.

You give what you get..Point blank.

Hey, the low road ain't as glamorous as the high road but sometimes the shit feels good.

Next Post: "I Been In Love Before and It Hurt So Bad".... a poem/song

Yes I am Crazy (A Post About me Owning It)

2006-06-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Yes I am crazy...

Yes I am different..

Yes I am moody...

Yes I am an asshole at times...

Yes I am eccentric...

I came to this realization this year when I really examined the question as to why I have been single for so damn long. Then it dawned on me. Besides the standard "I have issues" drama I learned that as a human being I think quite differently than most of the people I have romantically dealt with. I am most at home with intellectual people who have determined in thier own lives that they are comfortable living as a mental, spiritual, and physical outlier to all the madness that the world has to offer...

I recently learned of someone's religious beliefs who is quite attracted to me. And for all intensive prposes I was attracted to him to but then we got on the discussion of my recent tarot card reading. He told me that the Bible is clear on the subjects of psychic and readers. I told him that I was a believer and that there are BAD psychics and GOOD psychics. A GOOD reading from a person with "psychic ability" will tell you things about your life that you already know..In a way it is spiritual confirmation. I explained to him that I believe that there are people out there that God has blessed with the ability to have vision beyond this worldly sphere. He disagreed citing The Bible. I said it was foolish of him to ASSUME that The Bible was the un- altered word of God since it was authored by man and could have been changed at any point in history to serve the political, economic, and social interest of the ruling CHRISTIAN Class. He scoffed at me. I then asked him if he thought homosexuality was an abomination... He agreed. I asked him if he belived that he could be "delivered" from it...He agreed and then went on to say he wanted a family and wanted to be married. So what was I? Was his his flavor of the month? Needless to say that conversation was quite enlightening and I have since left him alone. I have come to the point in my life that if it is a choice of going to the Heaven that Holy Rollers talk about going to or the Hell they always condemn us too I would choose Hell. I wouldn't want to spend an eternity worshipping a "selective" God so that would make my choice easy.

I also recently found out that someone I really care about is a Republican. So he and I go into an in-depth argument about the state of Black America. He went on about what Black people need to do for themselves... And for the most part I agreed. But then the sociologist in me couldn't help but analyze institutions and systems of inequality that have dramatically limited the opportunities of young black urban youth. So essentially we were agreeing but I was saying: "What about institutions in our society that make it easier for Black people than White people to be nihilistic?" But needless to say I was disappointed. I am disappointed these days in anyone that has a BLIND allegiance with one of the two dominant political parties.

I say all this to say..They call me crazy but I just think differently...I don't take for granted what I see or what I hear. This is true for my personal relationships and other things/events in my environment that could shape my point of view.

When your destiny is to affect people, places, and things in a major way people satisfied in their normalcy will call you crazy...and hey...I might just be. I'll ask the therapist I am going to soon if I am.

I just hope in my journey I can bump into another crazy person and it can be happily ever after.

Blog-oversary

2006-06-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

It was approximately a year ago that I decided to take this journey...this journey would be defined by sharing my most innermost thoughts and emotions with an audience. I can say that this blog has been the most theraputic elements in my life to come along in a long time. I don't have many people to talk to...as a matter of fact, I don't trust many people with the facts of my life..so many will abuse the power of knowledge that you have given them...so I shut it down. But when it comes to this blog, I feel a sense of security by it's quasi-anonomous nature. Very few people KNOW me and therefore a judgement informed (or perhaps ill informed) by the context of my real life is hard to come by..you all just know what I choose to share...and most of the feedback is of a positive nature. I know I have not been blogging much recently but I am not in the business of forcing a blog entry these days. It has to happen naturally. When life "happens" to me you will know. Perhaps life has not been "happening" to me as much as it can at this moment...but seasons change and I hope to celebrate another year here (on August 2nd it will be my 25th..YAY!). So for everyone who has taken an interest (however minor) in the happenings of my life I say THANK YOU and KEEP READING!

Anyways, I got back from Orlando last saturday after spending Memorial Day weekend and the following week there with HartfordLady, her two daughters, her son, and her granddaughter. I had never been to Disney before so that was kewl. We even took some timeshare tours to get discounted tickets to Universal Studios and Disney. The moment of the trip is when I had to pretend to be engaged to HartfordLady's daughter so that we could get the Universal tickets. I was 24 (which I am) and she was 22 (she is really 18). We definitely had to use some acting skills there. But we got 6 tickets for 194 dollars as opposed to nearly 400 dollars. It was rough when the guys dropped the overall price of the timeshare 11,000 dollars for us and the monthly peyments went dramatically down but luckily I had my future wife there to remind me that we were saving for our wedding...lol...But it makes me think that if they can drop the price so dramatically that it was never that expensive in the first place. Whenever I buy a car I need someone to accompany me.

But anyways, we got some sun and I got a tan (it was wickedly hot) and I got the much needed rest and relaxation that I needed. It is just me or did every homosexual go to Miami. I was tellin people I was goin to FL for a week and the first respone was "Miami?" I needed a break from the drama of homosexual events...Orlando was cool. I would not mind returning. As for the remainder of the summer, I am looking to take another vacation around the 4th of July maybe... or maybe Vegas for my birthday in August. Who knows....I am enjoying my newfound freedom. Shit I got the money, the time, and no commitments to anyone..why NOT go. Life is way too short.

As for my health... the recovery has been slow but I am getting better....The doctor told me what I was feeling would. He said to give it one to two weeks. This is week five and I have not gone back to the doctor becuse things are improving...I figured that I have abused my body for over a year now...why would it improve quickly and dramatically?? These things take time. But I REALLY feel like I am getting back to my old self and that is positive...

I was inspired by my life and times to write this piece..I dont know how it will be recieved but oh well...here it goes

I Know (The Color of Lonely)
By: HX

I was born between
Urine and feces mistakingly.
Daddy's heartache and
Mother's joy.
4th Child blessed with vision
and destined
to be broken---
I am a constant pursuer of love
so constant
that I drown myself in the joy
of its elusivness.

I know the color of lonely---
It's all over me

My present standing
is the offspring
of consequence
and my smiles
go un-noticed
because each and every one
is preceded by a frown---
and sometimes I love being down
because in my loyalty
to my own self
it gives me a reason to complain
and when I awake from the tearstorm--
I remain.

I know the color of lonely---
It's all over me.

And still I remain...

Decisions...

2006-05-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I am certainly feeling better…

And in my sickness I decided some things….

First I decided to purchase an Xbox 360…

Then decided to settle some debts…

And about a week ago as I showered I decided that this would be my vacation summer…my good friend HARTFORDLADY is going to Orlando with her family for Memorial Day weekend and the week after..I decided to accompany her. Although I don’t enjoy flying I NEED the vacation…

I has also decided to go to ATL for Labor Day..but there is a conflict with my job so I MAY or MAY NOT GO…I’ll keep you posted.

I too decided that I should make a trip celebrating my 25th birthday in August (August 2nd to be exact)…maybe Vegas…who knows. All I do know is that I want to make my 25th year special…any suggestions?

Well it looks like I am Orlando bound on Saturday…should be a good time. I have never been to Disney World or Universal Studios so that should be nice…

I’ll be sure to take some pictures…

Maybe I’ll even share them…See you on June 3rd when I celebrate my blog-iversary..it’s been 1 year..can’t believe it!!

Until then…CIAO!

Come to Jesus

2006-05-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

I feel compelled to explain my extended absence from bloggerland….in the past two weeks I have suffered through a tough period in my life..I had to come to terms with actions over the last year that have been detrimental to my physical and spiritual health and growth. What I was calling fun finally caught up with me….and I learned that it actually was not fun but rather…ABUSE.

Put the blame squarely where it needs to be..ON ME! When you have been running from the real issue(s) for so long it will catch up to you in its many incarnations….

You will be reduced to a state of infancy if you refuse to acknowledge the truth. And the truth is that my behavior was medication for what was really ailing me…How can I expect someone else to love me when I am not moving and acting in love myself?

I really believe that that is why God has kept me alone so long…because I have not yet dealt with what I need to deal with and I cannot be of any use to anyone else…The baggage of yesterday is at times too heavy to carry along and so I try to clear my mind…

And in the process is destruction…

But a wise one told me that I am protected and have been for sometime now…even when I didn’t know it….I wonder why I have been protected in the midst of the destruction…..the destruction of self and the destruction of others…

Those things will have you wondering for an eternity…What I do know is that the way I was living before is NOT what life is supposed to be.

This is beyond tears…

This is beyond the pain….I am learning how to live better….

And I want to know…finally.

I am beautiful dammit!

2006-04-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

I been WAAAY underneath the weather the last couple of days

Finally, found the energy from somewhere to post....

But I don't have anything to talk about of substance...

So INSTEAD... I will post my ALL TIME favorite PRINCE clip...This is what MUSIC should be.
And this is NOT what it is NOW!!!

I should just stop talkin about it..and BE about it...in DUE time children..UNTIL THEN ENJOY!!

10 Q's from Q

2006-04-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Time for another edition of 10 Q's from Q....

(1) Is it just me or is Kenneth Cole "Signature" the greatest cologne ever? It makes people want to lick you.

(2) Speaking of licking...Why have I felt the continual need to hump something for the last couple of weeks? Must be in the water.

(3) Could I just have 30 seconds with Nick Cannon? (I know he aint everybody's cup of tea but I like him dammit)

(4) Why do white people always say "sorry" when they are mistakenly in a black person's way? There is nothing to be sorry about. Move the fuck out of the way. Are they anticipating a beatdown?

(5) Is it just me or is Wal-Mart the devil? Don't think so? Talk to some of their employees about their benefits.

(6) Is it just me again or are all dudes between the ages of 18-21 fuckin crazy?

(7) Why am I just realizing how crazy I was then?

(8) If the Democrats lose in 2008 how pathetic a party will they be? (not that they, along with their Republican friends dont already represent everything that is absolutely perverse about American culture)

(9) Why is there a holiday celebrating weed?

(10) Why is _______ __________ a sexy muthafucka!

That's it for now....

Enjoy da weekend..

PEACELOVEANDETERNITY

Q

The Prophet and The Fool

2006-04-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Prophet and The Fool

By: HX

The only difference between the two
is
that The Fool only believes
what he's seen.

On: Why I Never Committed Suicide

2006-04-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

Life is a struggle. A struggle between sanity and insanity, love and indifference, pain and pleasure, light and darkness. I have often wondered what has allowed me to remain here…here in this cruel cold place. All my life I have asked God only one REAL question; Why? Why does daddy hate mommy? Why don’t I have a family? Why don’t women find me attractive? Why did he tell me he loved me when he didn’t? Why have I lost everything? Why can’t I stop the voices in my head? Why can’t I just sleep? And it always seems that at the exact moment that I think I am going to get an answer the response is just more struggle…more pain…more frustration. And as I teeter closer to the edge and look to my left I see someone jump. I look to my right and see another person jumping. I look ahead of me everyday and wonder if jumping would be the answer or, at least, relieve some of the pain.

I sigh and continue to stand here silently as an actor…someone who has perfected the art of illusion…smiling to numb the sadness…telling a good joke to perhaps bring someone else the joy that I wish I could say that I truly have. And when the curtain falls I retreat with a drink in my hand and thoughts spiraling towards unsalvageable entropy in my head. There are days that I wonder why I hang on. There are mornings that I awake in my bed and feel exactly how I felt when I was 8…having cried myself to sleep and awakened spiritually fatigued...my face lightly moistened with the mist of last night's tears. People call me and I feed them my rage. One after the other they drop dead and, in my delusion, I convince myself that it isn’t my fault…But it is.

And so I fight myself on the daily...alone. Sometimes lonely. But always alone.

I’ve been kept here even when I have not wanted to be kept. And after seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years of manically trying to figure it out I can only come to one conclusion:

To fight.

To fight for myself. To fight for the freedom from my own mind that I rightly deserve. I realized that if my services were needed on the other side that I would have jumped and should have jumped along time ago. But the God that I know has informed me that my station is an earthly one. So here I stand. Broken. Sorrowful. Ashamed. Arrogant. Hopeful. Afraid. Resilient. Loving. Passionate. Guilty.

Here I stand. Looking for the Prophet inside of me and trying to fulfill the prophecy.

This is why I continue living.

Quaheem SPEAKS

2006-03-30T12:43:00.000-08:00

Well...

I gave you all a week...and I only got 6 responses...(I am thinking if I had a picture up here there would be a LOT more interested people...But I am NOT going to do that)...

So I will respond to all of the people that asked questions....

Paul aksed...

"When will I get to meet you?"

Well..you name the time and place and perhaps that can be arranged...

Rodney asked..

"What are you looking for in a partner? What are your expectations and what, if anything, are you willing to compromise?"

I am looking for honesty...loyalty...spirituality...masculinity...faithfulness...I am looking for someone who finishes what they start. In this journey that I have undertaken I have been broken and been the breaker many times over. I am just looking for someone who is willing to take that risk with me...someone who understands that love sometimes can be a war of attrition--2 parties attempting to wear the other down with their insecurities--and other times can be close to perfection. In simple terms, I just need someone who can hold on for the ride.

What am I willing to compromise? I am willing to compromise my own comfort for the right person. Loving someone many times is about challenging the comfort of your own reality and stepping into uncharted territory...I've been comfortable in my own bitterness for a very long time. I've been used to running people away to make myself feel a warped sense of satisfaction. At this point in my life I am more willing to deconstruct my defense mechanisms and allow the romantic process to simple HAPPEN to me. I think my frustration has been that many people I have dealt with romantically have not been able to realize just how BIG a compromise that actually is...and to be fair, why SHOULD they?

Valentino asked...

"What is one thing you've learned in your 24 years that you will always remember? How did you learn it?"

One important thing I learned is that anger, bitterness, and hatred are all things that we CHOOSE to hold onto and that slowly but surely steal our lives from us...Much of the past 2 or 3 years of my life have been dedicated to learning how to forgive...Forgiving my mother and my family....forgiving my ex...And most importantly...forgiving myself for allowing the madness to enter into my atmosphere...Crying has been a helpful excercise--I truly believe it is a way to purge the spirit of toxic emotions (at least temporarily). And you only get to the point of true forgiveness and HEALING by living you life with your EYES open..paying attention to the world and the subtle messages that the Almighty sends...

One day it just clicked...and I haven't been the same since. I struggle with my anger daily but I feel that since I've been paying attention I am better equipped for battle. Yes it sounds Iyanla Vanzant-ish but it seems the more I try to intellectualize spirituality the more confusing it becomes...lol..so deal with it..:-)

Ladynay asked..

"Do you think you'll ever post pictures back on your blog?"

Probably not. I have gone back and forth in my mind about this. I really want people to READ what I have written as opposed to just coming for some visual stimulation (not that I am ALL that stimulating). The very REAL fact is that the visual may lead some people into my blog space who may not have come here otherwise...so that thought always leaves the possibility open...But I doubt that I will. If someone is THAT interested in seeing what I look like I would not have a problem showing them a picture individually.

"What side of the bed do you sleep on?"

I sleep on whatever side my dick falls on

Trent asked...

"When are you moving to my castle?"

When the construction is complete on my private quarters.

Professorgq asked...

"Are you coming to Chicago for Black Pride Weekend?"

Wasn't planning on it. Should I?

"What's your biggest fear?"

Death has always been my biggest fear. I have always had the strangest feeling that I was going to die a young man without realizing my full potential. These thoughts haunt me daily.

"If you were to pick the music for a party, what five songs would you put at the top of the list?"

(1) Junior M.A.F.I.A.--Get Money
(2) Prince--Hot Thing
(3) Aaliyah--Rock Da Boat
(4) Rick James--"Coldblooded"
(5) Cameo--"The Single Life"

"What is your current relationship with your parents?"

Well..my parents were divorced after 32 years of married life. I have not seen or spoken to my father in nearly 4 years. As it stands currently I really don't have a father..and to tell you the truth I never really had a father...never had a male figure in my life to pattern positive behavior after. I have 3 older brothers (38, 40, and 42) with whom I have really no serious relationship with. I speak to my mother maybe 2 to 3 times a month. For the most part I would describe myself as a loner. There is a whole segment of my life that my family doesn't know about and, quite frankly, would not understand. And I like it that way. We will never be a close family...and I have accepted that.

That is all for now...you all made me think a lil bit on this one...

PeaceLoveandEternity..

Q

Ask Quaheem

2006-03-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization today that I have temporarily run out of things to discuss on this blog...

Rather than try to force some half baked poetry (like I was attempting to do) I am taking a cue from many other bloggers and allowing you all to ask QUAHEEM any and every question you would like to ask...

There is no limit on the number of questions you can ask...

There are no boundaries....

Let your imagination run wild!!!

And I will do my best to answer in a timely fashion.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Back on Da Block

2006-03-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

What's good people??!!!

I know you've all missed me...So I have returned.

DC was interesting...relaxing...expensive...yet wonderful.

HartfordLady, her son, and I arrived in the District on Friday morning..and that is when the drama began. First we had problems with the direct bill that was supposed to be set up so that we could get our rental car. So in true LATINA fashion, HartfordLady proceeded to tear Enterprise a new one...She was so good that even UPGRADED our rental to a brand new SUV.

I love her!

Then we get to the hotel and find out that the website that we booked our rooms on was indeed a scam...But American Express is the SHIT--We stopped payment and rebooked and because they have fraud protection THEY will go after these lowlifes...

So after an hour or so of working out the details with the WONDERFUL hotel staff we were checked into our luxurious accomodations. I was also excited because I was supposed to meet someone in the evening who was going to show me some of the "hot spots" to get to on that evening...It didn't quite work out like I had planned.

I was stood up...At that point I was already drunk so I decided to drink some more. I had a minor "Waiting To Exhale" moment in my hotel room and then called a certain blogger who helped me regain my sanity...Everytime I have an expectation it seems to crumble right in my face...so the rule is; NO EXPECTATIONS!

So needless to say, Friday was not a good day. Saturday was ok though. I checked in at the conference, said my hellos, had a really nice lunch and dinner, and brought it down for the night relatively early. Sunday was filled with conference activities until I decided I was through and headed back to the hotel and relaxed. After speaking with HarfordLady about my disappointment on Friday night she convinced me into going out to the club in DC by myself...She said

"You go out in New York by yourself all the time. So if you can do New York then why can't you do DC? Enjoy yourself!"

So after a nice tip about where to go from an infamous blogger/friend I summoned a cab at my hotel and went on my way to what ended up being one of the sleaziest gay bars/clubs I have EVER been to...But alas, I was out and I was in no mood to complain. I walked in, lookin fly and absorbing the stares...I ordered a drink and proceeded to people watch. The crowd dwindled down to nearly nothing and I went outside where I met 3 pretty nice dudes who gave me a tip about where to go on Monday night. When I checked my cellphone I had ALL three of their numbers in my outgoing call log...it's funny because I can only remember giving ONE of them my number...but oh well. It was a decent time.

On Monday I checked out Career Services at the conference and then decided I wanted to take a walk in search of DuPont Circle. So I loaded up my CD player and walked in my dress clothes (why oh why) down Connecticut Avenue until I hit my destination. **sidebar** never walk two miles in Steve Madden dress shoes. And what did I find when I got there?

A few nice shops and eateries...a couple of homosexuals...very few black faces...It was sort of anticlimactic. The Village definitely has more Bohemian appeal.

On Monday evening I decided to meet the three gentleman I met the night before. We managed to end up at another spot which was not nearly as sleazy but was still different from what I was used to. The strippers at this particular spot got BUTT ASS NAKED. Having really only done the NYC club circuit I was a bit stunned when I saw these long schlongs whipping through the air. But who am I to complain about penis?

I also met a nice young (well not so young, he's 32) guy there. He had a nicely groomed afro so I leaned over to him and said; "I like your hair" which instantly helped us strike up a conversation. We left, grabbed a bite to eat, and called it an evening.

He eventually told me that he's *gasp* a hair stylist...That could explain his hair feeling so soft and wonderful. I must admit that I was a bit put off when he told me that. But he was cute and nice nonetheless. But hey, there are no expectations...what happens in DC STAYS in DC.

On my final evening I decided just to stay in the general vicinity and attend the closing event of the conference; the talent show/dance party. I was not expecting to have a good time and POOF!!! I was there having fun...Once they started throwin on the hip hop it turned into a black peoples/FRAT party. Never in my life have I seen so many gay GREEKS (I mean I have dated my share but never seen them all together in one place). So I enjoyed standing there and getting some eyes cutting in my direction...part of me loves the whole DL game of cat and mouse and the other part is so frustrated by it all...One even gave me the "nigga nod" as I walked by and I had to laugh to myself...I just kept on walkin and said to myself.."Yeah, you got it." It felt good.

All in all I enjoyed myself in the District...saw some cuties...ate at some wonderful places...stayed in a fabulous 4 and a half star hotel...Just lived it up.

As much as I would love to find a reason to complain I just can't. I'm blessed. But I am GLAD to be back to normal life.

So where should I visit next? Let me know. Maybe Quaheem can be coming LIVE and in LIVING COLOR to a city near you.

Until then,

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

DC Bound

2006-03-09T15:27:00.000-08:00

Headed to the DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA tomorrow morning...

I will be blessing the city with my presence for 5 glorious days. I will certainly have much to report about when I return.

Until then, be safe...

And try not to miss me too much.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Water & The Grapes and The Vine

2006-03-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have a truly spiritual relationship with Water.

Some of my best writings/ideas have come when I was either IN or AROUND Water. For some strange reason I have always been able to to have a direct channel to the higher power under those circumstances.

Tonight as I showered in complete darkness..candles lit..I was sent this piece and I thought I would share. It's not complete but I will share the work in progress.

The Grapes and The Vine
By: HX

You plucked me clean
but I
won't let you be the death of me--
This love today
stands crucified--
You've got the grapes
but I've got the vine.

Are you satisfied
with a belly full
of ruthless ambition

AND

when the tide turns
I hope you
can claim the same condition...

Hopefully the rest of the piece will come to me in a timely manner.

But this is all for now...

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

10 Q's from Q

2006-02-28T02:11:00.000-08:00

Time for another edition of 10 Q's from Q.....

(1) Is it just me or is the Black Gay Blogosphere losing steam? Maybe because it is winter perhaps? Maybe once people start acting out in the summer things will get poppin again. I hope so

(2) So I met an interesting fellow in the club on sunday...Why is it that I remember the scent of his cologne AND his breath? Why did I actually call him back? Thank god no one answered.

(3) So I am entereing my 5th month of psuedo-celibacy (celibacy with occasional masterbation). Why is occasional turning into 4 to 5 times a day?

(4) Why do I have a newfound respect for Oprah after FINALLY seeing The Color Purple all the way through? She played the HELL out of that role.

(5) So I expressed my feelings to the dude I wrote about in my "Truth Is..." post..Why did he say I was just making excuses? Was it wrong of me to hang up on him twice after that? Another one bites the dust.

(6) Did anyone else hear snippets of Whitney Houston perfroming "I Will Always Love You" at the Winter Olympics? Is it safe to say that she is DONE?

(7) Why have I had dudes come up to me twice in the last month when I was out at the club and say "I want to have sex with you." ? Why is this DISGUSTING yet twistedly flattering?

(8) Wasn't it just a matter of time before the media got back to ignorning the plight of poor people and black people? Where are all the Katrina stories now? Where are all the telethons? These people STILL need money and resources. America's conscience is like Haley's Comet...You see it flicker past once every generation.

(9) I dont care for Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, or whatever you want to call him these days...BUT...has there been any better party/club song created in the 90's than "It's All About The Benjamins?" I get hype everytime I hear it...and if you DON'T then you have no pulse.

(10) Did anybody else boycott "Brokeback Mountain?" In light of all the DL conversation that JL King and Oprah brought to the mainstream why aren't the same people being as critical when it comes to this movie? I get the picture..2 black men "on the DL" (if you even buy King's definition) is the reason for the increase of HIV/AIDS in the black community (particularly amongst black women) and 2 White men engaged in the same behavior is a "love story." It might win an Oscar for best picture...But I'll pass on it.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Truth Is...

2006-02-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

The truth is...

I don't trust him.

We've known each other for over two years now...We've said some vile things to each other...There's been fire and fury between us from the very beginning.

After the last insult I pushed him away...months passed and the wind blew us back in each other's lives. Him..in a new city gettin that law degree--Me...In a new job awaiting the certain change that is in the immediate distance.

He and I have talked. He's expressed in so many words his desire to be in my life...to be the one...to be the catalyst in my return to love. Some days I am warm with desire for him and on others I am frozen cold.

Because...

I don't trust him--and I don't trust myself.

As many times as I have told myself that it's time to let go of the past offenses of others I simply cannot. I've been so used to living with my pain that the prospect of someone perhaps coming to take it away frightens me. I don't know what his ultimate intentions are. I don't know what else I could be missing if I say YES.

I'm crazy and I know it. My romantic attention span is laughable--and while I appreciate what he and I have been through I do not feel I have been given the reassurance that loving him would be ok. Yes, I know it's selfish as hell--I've named it and I am claiming that fact--But I don't think I have the energy or the life to manage another heartbreak...

I can't let go.

I can't be easy about it.

I can't just "let it happen."

I need some guarantees...not many...but some.

The truth is...

As much as my heart wants to love him...my mind won't ever allow it.

He probably will read this...and I am not afraid. I'll lose him, regret it later, and move on to a new object of desire-tinged madness. That's how my life goes and I am ok with it for now...perhaps only until I am affected again.

The truth is...

Perhaps I am here to be used for a higher cause and the sweetness of another in my atmosphere will only occur in moments--moments that God chooses to send to remind me of the faint possibility of a moment lasting a lifetime.

But if I know me well...and I do...

I'll just smile.

Say a prayer.

And move on to the next moment.

The truth REALLY is...

I am coming to terms with my own madness.

Empty & With U

2006-02-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

"Empty"

By: HX (written circa 1993-1994..The melody infected my soul and hasn't left. Dedicated to the lovers in the struggle...You will not be moved.)

When my teardrops fall
In2 time
Maybe then you'll see
that my love
was like the wind
so wild
and
so free

But now
it's all so empty...

"With U"

With u
There's no Heaven
or
Hell
There's just in your arms...
Cursed on 1 day
Blessed in the next...
And I'm satisfied.

Pre-Valentine's Day Meditation..."Me"

2006-02-12T00:10:00.000-08:00

This Valentine's Day will mark my 5th year of single life...

5 years ago on that day I was cheated on...

Since then I've made every excuse as to why I have not re-entered into a relationship...

I've told people that I was waiting for God to send me the right one...that it just was not *my* time...that I just couldn't come across someone worth keeping.

But lately I realized something...That God had indeed sent me quite a few possibilities that I coldheartedly turned my back on. It was my time and I ignored the call.

I realized that I have been the only enemy...the only stumbling block...the only wall.

Who can you call on when your baggage has totally weighed you down?

Who can you lean on when you've burned every bridge?

Who will be there to make love to you when you've consistently NOT allowed yourself to be loved?

To every brother who deserved a chance and got nothing from me...I apologize.

It does sound cliched..but it was not you...it was always about ME.

ME wanting to have absolute control over the situation. But love, being a by-product of God's brillance, cannot be controlled--and as a consequence of my arrogance I remain in emotional solitude.

This is me falling into reality.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Technicolor Lover

2006-02-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

Technicolor Lover
By: HX

A love-tone-poem pretending not to be...I dont know how I feel about it..But here it be

Technicolor Lover
somewhere
underneath my blue
Here against my will
I'm drowning in love with you

Somewhere in the distance
between
Hell and Serenity
I felt your colors
raining down on me--
I danced in peace and passion
and
kissed your lips in the depths of my mind--
Beared my cross for 7 days
Now I'm ready
to cross the line

Time won't waste me
If you come take me
now

AND

with our flesh
comes the divisions
rooted in their religion--
But you should know
I feel some kind of fire
about ya

Technicolor Lover
between
This space and infinite
I must admit
I want your rainbows
inside of me

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself....

2006-02-02T01:32:00.000-08:00

My name is QUAHEEEEEEM!!!

And I am enjoying being ME!

I have returned to normal life after a restful 5 day visit home to the Garden State (New Jersey for you slow mofos)...I enjoyed seeing my mother...hugging her...laffin with her and the fam...I always feel so loved when I go home these days. My mother calls everyone and they make sure to stop by and pay their respects to lil ol me...Who would've thought?

And of course I made my way to NYC for 4 nights of partying--since I had been sick for an entire month I decided to make it up to myself in a major way...Here's a quick recap...

(1) Friday--The Octagon...by myself...Was quite drunk and I believe I ran into someone that I knew who was jokingly trying to convince me that he was someone else...When you are drunk jokes like that are NOT funny...But anyways. Cute time (6 out of 10)

(2) Saturday--My best friend's 25th birthday celebration--We had a wonderful dinner at a nice Italian place in jersey...then booked it over to Club Shadow...I hadn't been to a straight place in the city in a minute...It was VERY interesting. I have NEVER been eye raped by more women over 40 in my life. And place that is droppin old skool beats is GOOD with me (9 out of 10)

(3) Sunday--Escuelita--I found the energy from somewhere to get up and go out to Escuelita...by myself of course (was supposed to have company but I was stood up)...I can say that I have NEVER felt more comfortable in my skin as I was on this night. Left with 3 numbers...but you know how that goes with dudes from the club...BLAH. I was STILL "too-hot-to-trot" anyway. (10 out of 10)

(4) Tuesday--At the spur of the moment I decided to get up and make my way to the city for one last night of enjoyment before I had to head back to CT and WORK. A friend of mine told me about Splash so I made my way down there...5 dollars at the door...good music..relatively cheap drinks...decent scenery...I enjoyed myself. Ended up meeting another cutie...It's rare that I meet someone that I ACTUALLY want to call me...so I hope he can be consistent--But I aint holdin my breath...Life goes on...(10 out of 10)

This is the first time in my life that I can say I have TRULY felt attractive...

Even perhaps...sexy?

I have always had people compliment me on the quality of my mind and neglect mentioning the quality of my physical person ...So I settled for being smart and resolved that perhaps I just was just average looking at best (this takes me back to the first dude I ever messed with in CT telling me that he got with me because I was just average looking...since 2 pretty dudes could never be together)

But these days my skin feels tighter on me...my spirit is inching towards a place of balance...

I don't know what the hell is happening to me but for the first time in my life it feels a bit good. That doesn't mean that I still don't hurt...

But getting "over" in life is about accepting the fact that you WILL and SHOULD hurt and also knowing that you WILL, SHOULD, and CAN have joy as well...

I'm doing it my way

I'm beginning to give it to the WORLD in my own way...

And amidst the recurring tears the joy feels fuckin incredible!

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

P.S. Coming Soon....

Technicolor Lover
Somewhere underneath my blue
Here against my will
I'm drowning in love with you...

The Living.....

2006-01-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

What a week this has been...

I learned on Tuesday than an ex-friend/student at the college that employs me recently tested positive for HIV...

On Wednesday I learned that a student at the college that I had numerous interactions with committed suicide in her room on campus. She was a writer...poet...a gentle spirit...but apparently (as many people are now learning) deeply troubled.

Just as I am completely recovered from the flu I now feel spiritually fatigued from the bad news...

Yet in the midst of the tragedy I feel a renewed spirit for living...

I will FINALLY be home this weekend to see my mother (who I havent seen in over six months)...

I will FINALLY get to pound the pavement in the city and be fly...

And it feels good!

I haven't always believed it...but life is a wonderful option to choose...

CHOOSE IT!

I'll see you all on Tuesday.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

10 Q's From Q

2006-01-23T17:38:00.000-08:00

Hello All...

It's been a month since I caught the flu and I seem to be just about over it (minus the occasional tiredness and headache)...Working two 14 hour days in a row didn't help anything but hey...you gotta do what you gotta do to make that paper!

But anyway...Here are 10 Questions that are floating through my mind...

(1) I have been a skeptical supporter of Ray Nagin since Katrina went down. But I will say this...WHO THE FUCK IS ADVISING YOU!!?? The chocolate city comment I can get down with (think...P-Funk)..But the shit he said about GOD being angry at America for the war in Iraq?? WTF!!! Congratulations! You've officially left yourself open to comparisons with the likes of Pat Robertson and Jerry Fallwell. What happened to thinking before you speak? (I personally think the brotha has post-traumatic stress disorder)

(2) Can a brotha get a date? Not a "lets-meet-at-the-club" shindig. But a REAL date. Dinner...museum...long walk with stimulating conversation...SOMETHING!

(3) Ya'll remember the snake? Nobody could do the snake better than me!! Nobody. Moms would throw on the 45 of "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean and make me do it for company. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE GROUND! And what!

(4) Does anybody think American Idol is the Anti-Christ? It represents everything that is demonic about the music industry.

(5) Is anybody as infatuated with pornography as I am? I am such a vouyer.

(6) On that note, isn't it great when you can have sex while looking at yourself in the mirror?

(7) Why in the hell is Terrance Howard sporting the ill 50's Conk? Can somebody get this man to a black barbershop?

(8) Why am I so excited for the new Prince release..."3121" (Release date is March 21st)...The leadoff single "Black Sweat" hits radio on Feb. 7th...Support real music by real artists!

(9) Am I the only one that reads the ingredient labels of random items when I am using the bathroom? You can learn ALOT! Try it sometime

(10) Does anybody else who has Sprint as a cellphone provider want to strangle that automated bitch "Clare?" She has GOT to go!

That's it for now...

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

The Inetrview

2006-01-18T23:57:00.000-08:00

Check out Trent Jackson's EXCLUSIVE interview with yours truly at...

http://justasktrent.blogspot.com

ENJOY!!!

On MLK and the MYTH of Black Leadership Past and Present

2006-01-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

On this, the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I reflect back on a conversation I had with a good friend of mine a couple of weeks ago.

He made the statement:

"Black people need a leader. You know, like Dr. King was."

That statement then prompted me to get into an hour long disucssion with him about "The Movement", Dr. King's legacy, and Black leadership in the black community in general.

What has always infuriated me around this time of year (MLK Day/Black History Month) is how the Civil Rights Movement is characterized by the mainstram media as a single minded movement LEAD by King that ultimately culminated in the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

How many times will we hear the "I Have A Dream" speech in the next 30 days?

The historical revisionists would like us to believe that it was simply Dr. King who put Black America on his back and carried us to the promised land. They would want you to believe that he WAS the singular figure that, in essence, MOVED the movement. I disagree. I will concede to the fact that King was the charismatic face of the movement...and his comrades knew that a man of such conscience and integrity would be key in marketing this non-violent movement to a government and an American public that were still in large scale resistence to the push for Civil Rights. King was the right face, the right voice, and had the right message at the right time which helped further legitimize the civil rights agenda. What I wholeheartedly object to is the way the contributions of many others (most of them nameless and faceless) are diminished in favor of perpetually dramatizing and glamourizing the achievements of KING alone.

What about Ella Baker, Bayard Rustin, Fannie Lou Hamer, Madger Evers, A. Philip Randolph, Joseph Lowery, Stokley Carmichael (Later known as Kwame Ture), Malcolm X, and numerous others who did not have the benefit of high profile recognition but were out on the picket lines resisting. Their stories go largely untold in favor of, every year, re-dramatizing King's story in a way that does his life, the lives of Black Americans at the time, and the life of the movement no suitable justice.

Do they tell us about the original proposed March on Washington organized by A. Philip Randolph and Bayard Rustin some 20 years before the ACTUAL March occured? NO!

Do they tell us that this proposed march was in reaction to the continued discrimination in jobs in the defense industries and that there were 100,000 people committed to go and march on Washington in July of 1941 and that in reaction to this President Franklin D. Roosevelt issued Executive Order 8802 which barred discrimination defense industries and federal bureaus. NO! (note: when the order was issued the march was called off).

Do they tell us that Randolph and Rustin were major organizers of the March on Washington in 1963? NO!

Do they tell us that Bayard Rustin was a gay man and one of King's closest advisors yet was forced to remain in the shadows of the movement once the rumors of his sexuality went public? NO!

Do they tell us about some of the ideological differences between various organizations during the movement and the tension that those differences caused? (i.e. NAACP's focus on desegregating through the courts vs. SNCC's direct action campiagns...ex. sit-ins)? NO!

Do they tell us how Stokely Carmichael and SNCC's militancy began to influence and inform King's thinking towards the end of his life. NO! (In fact, it is with Stokely that we hear King refer to African-Americans for the first time as BLACK)

I say all this to say that it continues to bother me when people reduce the movement to being a collection of colored folks who simply and uncritically followed ONE individual (King). Dr King was one of many amazing human beings who collectively challenged a white supremacist system; and not always from the same perspective/point of view.

The Black community is not and never has been a monolith. We are a collection of persons with multiple personalities, perspectives, and YES, contradicitions.

I expressed all of this to my friend in our argument/debate and all he could get out of it was that I was apparently DISRESPECTING the legacy of Dr. King.

I just shook my head on the other end of the phone and removed myself from the debate...frustrated I thought to myself; Is this what our problem is? Have we been fooled into believing that there is some Black savior that is coming to take us all out of the fucked up conditions that many of us are still living in?

I left that conversation feeling really sad about the state of affairs amongst our people. The powers-that-be really want us to believe it was JUST King that brought us over...that he was our "Haley's comet"...and that we won't ever see times as revolutionary as those for generations to come unless we anoint someone as our Chocolate Messiah.

They don't want us to believe that the seeds of a revolution could be in each of our own hands.

The sad part is that I don't think a critical mass of us believe it anymore.

So if you do ONE thing on MLK Day...Please...DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. Search for the truth. Continue to pay homage to this great man but seek to place his life and what he achieved in its PROPER context.

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

Picture This

2006-01-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

Picture This...

You've been banished to a deserted island...

And you are only allowed to take 10 songs with you to listen to...for life.

What 10 would you bring?

My selections...(This list could change from day to day...But if I had to go today this is what I would bring)

(1) Prince & The Revolution--"Moonbeam Levels"

(2) Donny Hathaway--"I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know"

(3) Sam Cooke--"A Change is Gonna Come"

(4) Terence Trent D'Arby--"Wishing Well"

(5) Stevie Wonder--"Maybe Your Baby"

(6) Rick James--"Ghetto Life"

(7) The Beatles--"Helter Skelter"

(8) Curtis Mayfield--"Right On For The Darkness"

(9) Aretha Franklin--"Amazing Grace"

(10) Prince & The Revolution--"Strange Relationship (Alternate Take)"

What would YOUR list look like?

JustUs

2006-01-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

JustUs

By: HX

(Dedicated to the 1 who hasn't come yet)

Is it the
fuck in my strut
that sends your pulse swingin?
Or is it
this obscene machine
attached to my hips
that makes you wanna
build snowmen in June?
Would it be safe to assume
that the sweet smell of
the sound of
my
merry-go-round
increases you propensity
towards fidelity
with me?
What if I
could be sweeter to you
than
Mother Africa
before the slave--
Sweet like lips
that speak
truth
to
power--
Sweet like
the caress of the
Moon in the midnight hour--
Even sweeter
than me
on my knees in submission--

And before this world needed justice
there was just us--
So with your permission
I'd like to return
to that condition

Resolved

2006-01-04T01:59:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you and yours...

It took about 9 days for me to get TOTALLY better.

I spent Christmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day in the bed. Now it's time for me to get back on the saddle. So my celebration begins this weekend. Ya Boi is back!

In this NEW Year we've got to defeat the gatekeepers...

My only weapon is my pen
And the state of mind I'm in
I'm a songwriter
A Poet...
--Sly Stone.."Poet" (From "There's a Riot Goin On")

In 2006 let's murder them all.

10 Q's from Q

2005-12-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

I am currently battling this BITCH called the stomach flu...

I am determined to get well by the weekend so that I may hit the pavement in the City for New Years...I am almost there.

Either way I'll still be fly...But I digress.

In the meantime join me for a new segment on my Blog called 10 Q's from Q.

10 Q's from Q

(1) Why is "White Diamonds" the most HORRID smelling perfume EVER created?

(2) Why are they still showing commercials for "White Diamonds?"

(3) Has anybody else bumped into fellow Gay Black Bloggers on other websites? (i.e. Blackplanet, Adam4Adam, etc)?

(4) Isn't it hilarious observing their behavior there and comparing it to their Blog?

(5) Is anybody else turned on by West Indian brothas as much as I am?

(6) Wouldn't be interesting if Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton both ran for President? Who would you vote for? (*sidebar*..MY answer..NEITHER..gimmie a third party candidate)

(7) Is it just me or has Oprah put PLANET EARTH on lay-away and will finish making the payments in a couple months?

(8) Isn't that government cheese the BEST shit ever? Kraft my ass.

(9) If you had 5 black people that you could ex-communicate from the race who would they be? (my 5 would be-Larry Elder, Ward Connerly, Clarence Thomas, Condoleeza "BROWN" Rice, and LARRY ELDER again!)

(10) Is it just me or is there just ONE song in the club that comes on that can make the HARDEST brotha have a stereotypically "homosexual" moment? What song does that to you?

That's it for now...

Holla at me. Let me know somethin!

Q

The Spirit Works in Mysterious Ways....

2005-12-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

If you've been following my blog the last couple of weeks you should know that I have been reliving the heartbreak and recovery from my last relationship...

I want to thank each and every one of you that has commented with insight, sensitivity, and concern...It has definitely made me feel like I am not alone (which is always a good thing)...

So...

I got a call on Tuesday as I was laying in my bed enjoying my day off...I picked up the phone and the voice on the other end said,

"Whaddup Man"

I instantly knew who it was but I played like I didnt and responded,

"Whaddup...Who is this? Identify yourself"

The voice on the other end of the phone says,

"Yo man, It's L"

I was utterly stunned, shocked, appalled, thrilled, mortified, and every other possible feeling you can feel about a person you love and dispise simultaneously. It was the most ironic moment I have EVER felt. Why? First because "L" does not read my blog AND because the last time I spoke to or saw "L" was over 2 years ago. If you want to know what happened read my post "I Never Had a Dream Come True *Revisited*"

So we began to converse and catch up with each others lives when he proceeds in apologizing for how our last meeting went down...He then apologizes for how he treated me during our relationship and after...Needless to say I sat on the phone stunned with a large kool-aid smile on my face...

For many years after our relationship dissolved I prayed to God that he would allow him to see the error in his ways...And it took 5 years but the spirit brought him back to my feet ...humbled...and sorry.

I accepted his apology but also let him know that the depths of my pain REALLY didnt have anything to do with him but had to do with deeper issues that I had. No one person can MAKE you dive deep into depression. People, places, and things serve as catalysts for an eventual breakdown in a person who has been packing away pain for years and years rather than dealing with it...He mentioned how he was not trying to inject himself back into my life but he had to get this off his chest...I accepted his apology

I told him I love him..and will always love him. And I meant it

But love is never enough to keep two people together.

I am ecstatic because I have the closure and the justice that I have always seeked...

When you know that you have been on the side of right the universe will take care of the rest.

What a WONDERFUL day!

*cues up "Sweet Justice" by Jill Scott*

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

A Boy Named Jesus

2005-12-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

A Boy Named Jesus

By: HX

Last Night
I made love to a boy named Jesus--
Holy Rolling
on a funky, anonymous mattress.
Climactic juices
squeezed from the vine--
Dulce-bitter
and his stroke turned it into wine.

I loved him
but soon after
my advances were crucified--
Heartbroken
and dick swollen with delayed desire
I touch myself--
screaming in Sodomite bliss.
I need him to come finish this

But

Boys like Jesus
just don't love
boys like me.
They just like the sway of my hips
and the sweet of my sweets..

But I hope he knows
that
A fuck on every 7th day
is alright with me.

I Never Had a Dream Come True...Revisisted

2005-12-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

Nobody warned me.

Nobody told me that being in Love meant that there was a possibility of being left behind...

Left behind to love someone that doesn't love you.

Years and faces went by since that faithful, teary-eyed bus ride in which I promised myself that I was done chasing "L." I had probably talked to/met a handful of people who I attempted to fit into the mold of him...all with an ill result.

And then there was CIABoy.

I finally had come across a person that thrilled me. I felt a familiar flutter of my heart when I saw his face. I had finally returned to the emotional landscape that I had once frequented and thought I would never see again.

He was 5'9"

Skin like black coffee

Body finely sculpted

Master's degree recipient

The object of my instantaneous physical, spiritual, and emotional desire.

I alluded to how I felt over dinner one evening and he seemed to smile and passively ignore me. So the tension built. I carried on with my normal life...burning with desire...but patient.

Months went by and we made plans to meet up in the city to have dinner and hit the club afterwards. He begged me to go to Escuelita with him; knowing that I had a particular distaste for that place. He turned up the charm to 10 and I acquiesced.

We both arrived in the city and have dinner. There was no other place in the world I would have rather been than sitting straight across from him. We ate and drank. We both shared our graduate school plans. His motivational spirit turned me on. Life was good.

We jumped into a cab and headed over to Escuelita. We checked our coats, grabbed some drinks, snagged a table and began watching the show. CIABoy then runs into a friend of his who joins us at the table. He introduced us both, we shook hands and continued watching the show.

As the show ends CIABoy made his way to the dancefloor leaving myself and "friend" at the table to psychicly joust admist the awkward silence. Finally friend leaves the table to talk to CIABoy. Not too long after that, around 12 am, CIABoy asks if I would be mad if he and friend left the club and went home. In that moment I screamed "HELL NO" in my mind.

I looked at him without hesitation and said,

"Nah."

So I watched CIABoy leave with his "friend" after only an hour and a half at the club. Mind you, this was the place he begged me to go with him to. This was the same person I was feeling for. This was one of the worst feelings of Deja Vu I had ever experienced.

I attemped to stay there by myself for some time longer but the combination of sheer amazement and Grey Goose pulled me out of my seat, towards the coat check, and out of the door. I walked at a frenzied pace for 3 blocks to the 8th Avenue entrance of the Port Authority, found a corner, and just broke down. How many cheeks did I have left to turn? How many times would I allow myself to be disrespected in my pursuit of companionship? How many times would I be left standing alone at the altar of love? My legs felt weak as the bittersweet tears rolled down my face...

I wiped my face, pulled out my cellphone and began to make calls.

Call number one...No answer

Call number two...No answer

Call number three...I hear a familiar voice.

It's "L" on the line. I tell him the entire story. How brokenhearted I felt. How disrespected I felt. How used I felt.

He suggested that I get on the 6 train at that moment en route to Mount Vernon to see him. I resisted as much as I could and finally broke down and agreed.

It's now 2:30 in the morning. I am headed to Mount Vernon to see "L" who I havent seen since the last time I drowned in my own tears listening to "I Never Had A Dream Come True." I said I was done with him...

I was an addict...and I was relapsing.

So I arrived in Mount Vernon around 3 in the morning and he is there waiting for me. I entered the car and he looks at me adoringly and gives me daps. For most of the ride back to his house I was coyishly silent...stunned that I allowed myself to be sucked back in but glad that I was back in...So we arrived at the house. He snuck me in and upstairs to his room. We hugged. talked for a little bit.

And then it happened.

I had always regretted the fact that L and I had never gotten the chance to truly consummate our relationship. After we broke up I would lay in bed--on fire--imagining to myself what it would be like...how it would feel...how passionate it would be to make love to him. And after nearly 3 years it finally happened. It was part "the-most-beautiful-feeling-in-the-world" and part anti-climactic.

We woke up in the morning and I had an ill feeling because I now knew that with a single act I had given my control away. He could do what he wanted to me at that very moment. If he wanted to be together again I would have said yes. If he wanted to string me along again I would have allowed him to. We got dressed and he dropped me back to the train stop. We said our goodbyes. He went on to work and I went back to Connecticut.

I tried calling. No answer.

We finally connected via instant messenger. I told him that I wanted to try again.

No significant response. Another slap in the face.

I realized that the evening in question was about MY BODY and not MY LOVE and that once again I had allowed that love to trick me into believing that things had changed.

Leopards might change their habitats but they never change their spots.

To the untrained human, love can be the sweetest, mind numbing, equilibirum shifting, massive emotional entity...And in the wrong hands it can be used for perverted interests.

The funny thing is. I still love him.

It just took me a long time to realize that I never really LIKED him.

Random Thoughts on a FRIDAY

2005-12-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

Hope you all are enjoying the SNOW!!! I know I'm NOT...

But here's what's been swirling around in my mind

--On December 26th, 1999 we lost one of the GREATEST songwriters who ever lived...Curtis Mayfield...My favorite Cutis joint? "Right On For The Darkness." He was a gentle genius and still is missed

--This coming February will mark my 5th Anniversary of single life. I am considering a formal celebration...maybe on Valentine's Day (the day I was cheated on 5 years ago).

--Black music needs a revolution. I am so tired of the "up-in-club-poppin-Cris-pullin-hoes-whiney-voiced-manufactured-psuedo-soul" bullshit..What happened to live instrumentation? What happened to LIVE singing? What happened to interesting chord changes? What happened to music with a message? Are we relegated to claiming KANYE WEST as the only savior of Black Music? It is a sad day indeed.

--Why are Shrimp Ceasar Salads my favorite meal these days? (p.s. I make them myself from scratch)

--After seeing the new transformed Nelly I must say it's appealing but for some strange reason I prefer skinny Nelly. I have a weakness for skinny dudes (being one myself).

--I have come to the conclusion that George Bush does not have the intelligence to be the LIAR that everyone has accused him of being (he is nowhere near the sophisticated liar that Clinton was)...He is guilty of the HIGHEST levels of incompetence for allowing the true scoundrels and intelligent liars (Carl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney) run rampant.

--Does Bush care about Black people? Hell no. But he doesn't care about poor people, women, gays and lesbians, or muslims either. Join the club of oppressed peoples.

--Does 50 cent understand how he's cooning?

--"Moonbeam Levels" is amongst my top 5 favorite Prince songs EVER.

--It's graduate school application time again. Hopefully I'll get into somewhere this go round. I have a good connection to the M.A. program in African American Studies at Ohio State so that may be my best chance. Of course there is Temple and Uconn; both of which I will be applying to as well. And my boss seems to think I should apply to Rutgers since it's my home state and IN FACT is a very distinguished institution. (P.S. In retrospect I should have gone to Rutgers for undergrad. I was accepted and because I was a resident and POOR I could have went for free. But I flew the coop and ended up in Connecticut.) Wish me luck.

--Why is Puffy/P.Diddy/Diddy still attempting to produce (with ghost-producers of course) music? It's not '95 anymore Diddy. Hang it up and stick to making overpriced clothing.

--Grey Goose is WONDERFUL isn't it? I stay in constant possession of a bottle.

--I wonder what innocent trouble I can get in in the city this New Years? All I need attractive, classy visuals...good music...good drinks. The search is on!

--Ya'll remember "The Snake" and "The Wop?" Moms used to put on a 45 (old skool heads know what I am talking about) and make me do those dances for company. Couldn't nobody get lower while doin the snake than ya boy!!!!! NOBODY!

--Bilal's "First Born Second", in my humble opinion, is the best R&B/Soul album released in the last 10 years. It is CRIMINALLY underrated. I dare you to name an album better!

I think that is it for now...

Have a good weekend...

Love somebody when you get the chance.

PeaceLoveandEternity.

Q

The Weight (Meditation #1)

2005-12-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

The Weight (Meditation #1)
By: HX

The Weight
has transformed
into
an extension
of my being--
and now--
I'm crawling
towards a
grace
uncertain--

I know now
that
Love
is a manic
mental excercise
in futility--
But I keep on--
In circles
and
In faith
foolishly awaiting
the day
that I can cry again.

Thanksgiving Craziness...Tales from the DRUNK side...and The Jumpoff

2005-11-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

What a Thanksgiving it was indeed. Since I never go back home I had dinner with one of my best friends in the entire world and her family (2 daughters, 1 son, and 1 granddaughter). If you recall from previous posts I call her HartfordLady...

So I arrive at HartfordLady's house and as I enter I hear VERY loud salsa music (she is puerto rican). She comes in the room in a whilwind..dancing and singing the lyrics aloud. I can already tell that she's been sippin that Bacardi select and partaking in some of the "homegrown." {puff puff}...

I was instantly glad to be there. The first thing I did was fix myself a drink; 75% Bacardi Select and 25% Coke. Sat my ass down and got busy. About 4 drinks later the dinner was done and we all sat around the table and said what we were thankful for. I ate a modest amount and went back to my favorite part of any meal...THE DRINK. Hours went by and we went thru multiple glasses of Bacardi and multiple CDs. Rhythm Nation...Sheena Easton's Greatest Hits....Toni Braxton...Al Green...And THEN we got to the OLD SCHOOL MIX. That is when the dance-off happened in the kitchen. Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" came on and I proceeded to demonstrate the "knee slap" that MJ does in sync with the synth-clap in the video after he sings "I wanna roooock with you." That has always been my favorite part of the video...Nobody can slap his own knee to the music like Mike...lol. I also went on to demonstrate/point out the triple hit on the kick drum that occurs after the bridge and right before he "goes off" at the end of the song (all you TRUE music heads know what I am talking about)....

**sidebar**
Did I mention that in my drunkeness she convinced me to partake of the homegrown herbals? Good stuff actually...It just made things THAT much better!
**end of sidebar**

And then...We all lost it when "Candy" by Cameo came on. I had to yell "OWWWWWWW." I am indeed an 80's child to my core...Ironic that I was born the day MTV launched; August 2nd, 1981...Who would have known?

Anyways...

We all worked up a sweat and continued drinking until HartfordLady and I decided to head to the club and meet some college buddies of ours.

We hit the club. Met up with our folks. HartfordLady's lookin fly...Q is lookin fly. Everybody is doin it. I was in a different state of mind since it was a straight club. Get my two step on? Sure...But also just observe and be aware of my surroundings because unfortunately "niggaz" love to start some SHIT. But needless to say it was a drama free evening full of dancing, libations, and good spirits....BUT of course I had a complaint (which happens to be the same complaint about all the clubs in New England). They did the last call for alcohol at 12:40 am and flipped on the lights 10 minutes later...WHAT THE FUCK!!?? I was so heated I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was in a groove, feeling good, and then it's time to go. So I made a promise to make it up to myself by visiting the Octagon this coming friday. I intend to keep that promise. I have some more partying left to do. Life is too short not to enjoy it they way YOU want to.

One interesting observation I made about the club and most straight clubs in general are how brothas on the low operate in those particular environments. I caught a couple of interesting glares from a particular group of dudes...very masculine looking but a little too pretty to be completely straight...YES I know it sounds ignorant as hell but when you've been in this lifestyle long enough you become a MASTER detective...able to spot the slightest inclination towards a homosexual orientation...So yeah, in more simplistic terms, the GAYDAR was goin off like crazy. But I kept it cool; kept my glances under .05 seconds and moved on...just long enough to say: "Yeah, Nigga...I see you."

Wasn't pressed then...

Not pressed now...Just thought it was all so interesting.

While all of my Thanksgiving activities were going on I had a slight bug-a-boo situation. A young gentleman that I had some interesting encounters with and who had moved from Hartford back to Atlanta to finish his Master's degree work kept calling me...OVER and OVER again...He was in town for the holiday and I knew he wanted to see me. I also knew WHY he wanted to see me. So I ignored his calls...though I had to fight myself to do so. I mean, could I have used the physical stimulation? Damn right! But I decided in the end it was not going to be worth the emptiness that I knew I was going to feel the morning after. He's not my type at all...I actually don't even really find him all that attractive...But he did his job well so he won some points in the past...

But I realized some time ago that I aspire not to be a source of temporary satisfaction for a midnight caller...I need some persistent admiration.

I continued to hold out for the rest of the weekend. I let my voicemail greet his calls and went to bed truly THANKFUL that I could excercise some self control and stick to my principles. So me, multiple bottles of wine, and my hands kept me busy...

And I woke up on Monday morning...knowing that;

FRIENDS are beautiful.

LIFE is beautiful.

and

LOVE is on the way.

And I can drink to that!

Peaceloveandeternity...

Q

The Resurrection of Kyle Black

2005-11-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

The Resurrection of Kyle Black (The Prelude)
By: HX

I'm still a nigg(er)
when I look in the mirror
and it's alright with me

I'm that sweet kinda brown
that won't easily go down
in blood--

And the reason
you can't speak my name
is because
our levels ain't the same--
I'm Leo rising on the 7th day
and I know
you want this

You fucked me once
and didn't stay--
and God has been fuckin' you
ever since that day...
What more can I say?

Except--

That I am a living, breathing
manifestation
of the you
that you choose not to be--
The love child
in love
with the inner child defined as
perverse...

And now
I know...

Every day can be a tomorrow
if we choose to stand--
Every sorrow can be a triumph
if we choose to demand
the right to just BE.

So to you from me
I say...

My resurrection will not depend on
the strut of another--
My resurrection
is
Mine.

I Never Had A Dream Come True

2005-11-17T19:53:00.000-08:00

Picture This...

Boy meets boy....

Boy falls deeply in love....

Boy basks in bliss....

And then there was the day...

His name is "L"...He was the one. I was 19 as I stood in the Port Authority on a cold December night and awaited his presence. I saw someone walk by that looked like him. When he doubled back he looked at me with a familiar smile, gave me daps, and said "Stop standing there actin' like you don't know it's me nigga..." I had all my luggage and was awaiting a connecting bus to Newark so that I could get home to Paterson...I had about an hour so we took the escalator upstairs and went to grab some pizza. I was quite hungry and did not hesitate jumping in line and ordering a slice.

We sat across from one another. He smiled and licked his lips. I nervously avoided eye contact. He told me how "beautiful" he thought I was as I continued to smile shyly. We continued to exchange pleasantries until I had to return to the gate to catch my bus. He satyed there until the bus pulled off...Two weeks later he affectionately asked me, "So, do you wanna be my nigga?" I melted...And what began was a brief love affair. He said he loved me. He wooed me.

And then it all came crashing down...

Via internet he told me one cold March day that he thought we should just take a break and be friends...Later that evening I called him and begged..pleaded...cried...tried to make every rational argument as to why he should change his mind. He didn't.

Months went by and I remained in limbo. I called every night and most nights we spoke. I believed in my heart of hearts that we were headed back into our blissful relationship. One evening he told me, "Yo, I have some good news to tell you." I begged him to tell me right there on the telephone. He refused. "I wanna wait until the next time I see you in person to tell you." For days I pressed him to tell me. I just knew this was going to be the realization of the dream I'd been having the last 6 months...I just knew he was going to say he wanted me back. Finally I broke him down and he told me. He said, "I'm falling in love with someone." My jaw dropped because obviously that someone was not me. I felt violated, decieved, manipulated, taken for granted...I felt like a fool.

For months after that I made weak attempt after weak attempt to keep L out of my life. I thought I'd finally hit my stride and moved on...and then my world was rocked again.

I was home for the summer working an internship. The money was good and the experience was great although I really had no social life. Occasionally I would hop on the 161 from Paterson and head over to NYC by myself and hit the internet cafe in Times Square (EZ Everything). This place was special to me because L and I had actually discovered it together. So one day I was sitting at a terminal in EZ Everything chatting on Blackplanet and I get a "page" (for BP heads you remember the PAGER?) from....GUESS WHO??!!...L. He says, "Yo, whaddup man...Where are u chatting from?" I told him I was in EZ Everything...He says, "Word!? Me Too!!" I could have died right there at the computer. We eventually found one another in the cafe and he convinced me to go to The Village with him just to walk around and waste time before his rehearsal that evening (he was a singer in a group at the time). He also informed me that he had to meet up with another one of the group members on Christopher Street while we were out there. He used my cellphone to call this person to make sure they were still showing up. In the meantime we walked down to the Piers (which at the time were still being constructed) and just talked. I had a weird feeling come over me. It felt good to see him again because I still loved him. But I also felt like a drug addict who had just relapsed. It was about time for him to leave so we walked back up Christopher Street to meet his group mate and there is where he dropped THE bomb on me...

"Hey man, the dude that is meeting us is actually my boyfriend."

In my mind I flipped....But I held it together and met the dude. He was taller than me...A dancer for Alvin Ailey....a singer...an all around cutie. And I had to stand there and watch them interact as a couple. He knew he was going to meet his "man" yet he took it upon himself to place me in an uncomfortable situation. As the three of us rode the 1 Train back uptown to 42nd Street I wanted to strangle him, bite him, hit him with some inanimate object. I had the familiar feeling of being the fool...

We said our goodbyes and I went to the 3rd Floor of the Port Authority to gate 303 to catch the 161 back to Paterson. I went near the back of the bus and found a seat alone. I pressed the play button on my CD player and turned the volume all the way up. The song that came on was Stevie Wonder's "I Never Had A Dream Come True." As the song played the tears flowed from my eyes like tiny rivers. In the darkness of that bus ride I had to come to the realization that my dream hadn't come true...I cried all the way home as I listened to Stevie testify over and over again.

I went to bed misty eyed that night...clutching my pillow.

And I haven't been the same since.

Temptation

2005-11-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

I had planned to write a long drawn out diatribe about Terry McMillan, Oprah, and the DL....But it's been discussed to death...so..

God gave me something else to share...

"Temptation"

By: HX

If Eve

truly knew

of temptation so sweet

she would have left Adam

for the tree...

I want to be tempted to love again...but there is a vacany by my side, in my bed, in my life...I need a beautiful distraction from the grind of time...What can be done when one surpasses lonliness and inches towards indifference?

Devastation

2005-11-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

Devastation

Written By: HX

Written in a Vodka-induced moment of anger at the fucked-upness of humaness as affected by HUMANS...I will not take responsibility for how bad/good you think it is...I only care about giving birth at this point in time....

This World

is

Fucked up...

I feel like

Devastation...

Faggot up

Nigger down

Gimmie a light

I'm burnin

The house...

Eve's a bitch

and

Adam too

and now

That you know--can you tell me

What's sexy to you?

Is it dicks

and pussies

or Benjamin's green

or maybe whips and chains

and ships are your scene...

This World

is

Fucked up...

and I

feel like

Devastation

Random Thoughts on a THURSDAY...

2005-11-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hmmm..What a nice day it is today...Almost forgot it's November...

Let's see...

--I picked up Stevie Wonder's new joint "A Time To Love." I am a BIG Stevie Fan..I mean, TALKING BOOK, INNERVISIONS, FULFILLINGNESS' FIRST FINALE, SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE, and the list goes on and on. To be honest I was afraid of what I was gonna hear...I mean such geniuses at times can get so caught up in their own nostalgia that they begin to simply becomes imitations of themselves...But "A Time To Love" is as focused an album as I have heard in a VERY long time. He's singing his ass off, playing damn near all the instruments (keys, drums and assorted percussion), and STILL writing incredible melodies after all this time. As much of a Prince fanatic I am I can't help but to think that "A Time To Love" has a sense of urgency that Prince's "comeback" record, "Musicology", didnt (athough there are stellar moments on that record as well..see the title track, "Call My Name"and, "On The Couch") . So Stevie gets 4 stars from me. BUY THIS RECORD!!! Period.

--Why am I seriously considering goin back to NYC tomorrow for another night out? Should be interesting..

--Kenneth Cole "Signature" is officially my favorite cologne.

--So I am re-applying to graduate school...Ohio State and Temple are on the list (MA Program in African American Studies)...Gotta find some more places to apply to. I miss being in a classroom. There is nothing like intellectualism in the Academy; though the parochialism and institutional racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia I can do without..But it's America so we either MANAGE it or die.

--In my opinion "Simply Beautiful" by Al Green ranks as one of the greatest songs/moments in Black Music EVER. I've never heard a vocal before or since that was so SOULFULLY restrained.

--Was it me or did John Legend BUTCHER "A House Is Not A Home."? His raspy, I-Need-Some-Tussin-Cold N' Cough, baritone just could not pull it off. He sounds good singing his own songs. AND why did Alicia Keys refer to Rosa Parks as "Unbreakable" before she went into the song which, ironically, begins; "We can fight like Ike and Tina"? I say...IGNORANCE!

--Where is the romance? I need to find some? You know...like a lunchtime phonecall at work or rose petals in bathwater, scented candles, dim lighting, and "Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite" on the stereo...WHERE OH WHERE COULD YOU BE???!!!!

--Isn't it about time for another BLACK OWNED cable network to pop up? One with substance and an interest in contributing to the advancement of black culture. Maybe a little competition would make BET finally get it's act together.

--And yeah, it's official....NELLY has been drinking milk.

That is all for now...

Get at ya boy...

PeaceLoveandEternity,

Q

Weekend Recaps & Stuff

2005-10-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

Well...

Given what I have gone through in the last 6 months I promised myself that once I got back on my feet I was going to have a night out on the town..(NYC to be exact)...and so this past Friday the eventful day was upon me.

I took the day off from work. Did a little shopping, got geared up, got myself some drinks for the ride (*tee hee*) and headed to the Big Apple to meet up with some old friends (one in particular that I dated some years ago, fell out of touch and favor with, and with whom I had recently become reaquainted). It was him, his brother, a friend, and his significant other.

After about 45 minutes of waiting outside BBQ's (in sonewhat of a chilly cold) on 23rd & 8th the crew finally appeared and we were seated. I had been having a craving for BBQ's for the last 2 months so to finally have it was a wonderful feeling. We ate, drank, laughed and enjoyed ourselves. I did notice right from the beginning that my friend's boyfriend was being waaay anti-social...perhaps since an old FLAME was there (and looking ON POINT might I add) it made him a tad bit uncomfortable. But I did what I could to engage him in conversation at the dinner table and eventually things loosened up and folks were having a good time...

After dinner we all decided to head to The Octagon. It was an interesting time seeing as I had not been there since they reopened. So we made it there and it was not NEARLY as crowded and poppin as it used to be..BUT...when you have enough drinks in you and the music is right (which it was) anyplace can SEEM packed. And to be fair, there WERE some cute ones scattered through. So I did my thing...drink in hand...doin my two step (and occasional full out DANCE when the right song came on) and surveying the crowd. In usual NYC fashion many eyes crept in my direction but of course no one spoke...It's crazy when you know that they WANT to speak but dont. This is why I don't pay any ONE person any kind of special attention..lol...but I digress...

So it got later into the night and things were winding down...We all figure that it's time to go so we head out. As I am walking down the block a young man pulls me by the arm and starts his "game."

"Yeah, I saw you lookin at me all night..so I figured you wanted to say somethin."

LOL @ that. Well to be fair he did cross my plane of vision. But he was nothing to stare at. I saw him a couple of times and kept it movin. But I entertained him and he kept walking beside me (leaving his peoples might I add). Meanwhile, MY peoples were far ahead of me in the parking lot and when we caught up to them what do I see? My boy and his man havin an INTENSE argument. I mean dude (the boyfriend) was screaming, yelling, pulling at him, cursing at him....He was talkin to him like he was not even a human being...That is the shit I ABHOR...So I politely told his other friend that I was out and that I would speak to everyone later. I just had to remove myself from what I was seeing. The day a nigga EVER speaks to me like that is the day I check someone's chin..FOR REAL..(and I have never been in a fight before..but it ain't too late to start)...

So dude and I continued on to McDonald's in Times Square to grab a bite to eat. Since we were NOW in good lighting I finally got a GOOD look at him and I was like OH HELL NO!!!...All the cute ones that were out and about and instead of catching SALMON I get a TROUT..*sighs*..But he was a nice guy so we did the number exchange thing. He's called twice but I don't think I am interested. One man's trash is another man's treasure...I aint callin the kid trash...but he certainly is not the treasure that I seek...So I roll on. All in all I still felt good about the situation. I know what I want...And I am no longer willing to settle for less.

THEN on Sunday night I went to Six Flags (New England) Fright Fest...Went through the haunted forest with a Gatorade Bottle filled with Grey Goose and cranberry juice. So the slight drunkeness not only kept me warm but made the forest even that more entertaining..It was GOOD TIMES indeed (although I felt like a couple of the Monsters were giving me "googly eyes"...well on a previous visit one of the Frankensteins gave me the "I-want-your-face-in-my-monster-mash"-pouty lips/rigid eye stare combination that only GAY folks know how to do)..

Needless to say...it was a VERY enjoyable weekend. It feels good to be able to return to some kind of normalcy...

But one thing remains constant...No matter HOW long you stay away, the boys and the bullshit are always the same. I woke up this morning, brushed my shoulders off, kissed the mirror twice, and thanked GOD that I have something to wake up TO and FOR.

Living in an OPTIONAL condition. CHOOSE LIFE!!!

"Cycles (Evolution)"

2005-10-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

Cycles (Evolution)

By: HX

THEN:

Your Love
Turned my water in2 Wine--
Intoxicated the grapes
and the vine--
Transcended energy
and
Preceded time

NOW:

Your Love
Is the sweetest ironic device--
It's counterclockwise
motion
and
the boiling point of ice

TOMORROW:

Your Love
is
The Love that will not love me--
Selfishly divine in it's
epicenter of sin--
Don't be surprised
If I am
the end 2
your beginning
in the end...

Random Thoughts on a MONDAY

2005-10-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

Let's see what's running through my mind....

---Is it ME or is anybody else thinking that the only reason the NBA is pushing this new dress code is to repair it's reputation with MIDDLE-CLASS, WHITE America after the disasterous fight between the Detriot Pistons and Indiana Pacers last season? The fact is that URBAN America and the experience of BLACKNESS in it has produced these incredibly talented young players and to attempt to change the prevailing aesthetic to appease the so-called "better/more civilized taste" of white folks is HIGHLY PROBLEMATIC. And don't give me the argument that "normal" people have to dress up in a corporate emvironment. These aren't people with NORMAL JOBS. I think as long as they are neat and presentable they should be able to wear whatever they want.

--The album "Sign O' The Times" represents Prince's GREATEST musical moment and artistic peak. This is the album that initiated my love affair with music and changed my life. If you have never heard this masterwork you ought to commit yourself to buying it and listening. I will be posting about it VERY soon.

--I don't get the minor hype about Keyshia Cole. She's got a cute voice for um...The shower..but on record? I think not. NEXT!

--South Park is BRILLIANT. all I have to say is Michael "Jefferson."

--Speaking of Comedy Central, "The Boondocks" will be premiering in about 2 weeks time. I know I will be GLUED to the television for that one. Also, you should check out "The Colbert Report." Good Shit.

--Payday is this Friday and I definitely will be steppin out on the town (NYC). It's been about 5 months since I been out so I am going to enjoy every moment. The kid is BACK!!

--I was an attendee at the "Million Family March" in 2001. While it was positive seeing so many of my people gathered together peacefully, it seems that nothing came out of the event except the requisite "ego stroking" of our so-called leaders and empty promises from those on the stage AND in the audience. Why do I feel the same sentiment about the most recent "gathering" of our people? What if there were speakers that asked Rev. Wilson about his past homphobic comments? or what if someone asked the good Minister Farrakhan about who killed Brother Malcolm? It's time for "us" to clean out the skeletons out of our political closets. I agree with many of the messages that were communicated at the event. It's my suspicion(s) of the ulterior motivations of the MESSENGERS that continue to keep me critical of it all.

--Am I the only one who is a MAJOR wrestling fan? Ever since I was a youngin I have LOVED it. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it's fake. SO FUCKIN' WHAT!!! I am still in front of the television every Monday night at 9. My favorite wrestler of all time you ask. Of course, RIC FLAIR!! Nobody beats "The Nature Boy." WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

--I been playing the hell out of Hall & Oates recently. "Your Imagination" is that FIREEEEEE!!!

--Maybe I'm crazy but it seems like we went striaght from summer to winter. For all of us in the Northeastern Corridor....expect to be in a WINTER WONDERLAND this go round. Not looking forward to it.

Alright...I have exhausted my randomness so I will stop here.

PeaceLoveandEternity...

Q

I'm Still Standing....

2005-10-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Man....

What a stretch of 5 months it has been for me...

Let's rewind shall we?

It's The last week of May. I am recieving what appears to be my LAST paycheck. Up to that point I can say I had truly been blessed. To be able to stay at my alma mater after my graduation and work in a position that was created for me by the PRESIDENT of the College...Doing the things that I love doing...mentoring younger students of color...programming...and being an activist. I managed to squeeze TWO years out of a supposed ONE-YEAR appointment. But it was seemingly over. The budget crisis hit us at the college hard and my position wouldn't be renewed. I would lose the roof over my head and the money in my pocket.

In preparation for this I applied to graduate school. Foolishly I took some bad advice and applied directly to Ph.D programs (without a Master's Degree). 5 applications and 5 rejections later my Plan B was down the toilet.

So I hit the cyber-pavement and the REAL pavement in search of a job. But the rejections came in one after the other.

May turned into June which turned into July and August. My fridge got emptier and emptier. I got hungrier and hungrier. I was rolling pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters to come up with the cash to simply buy some frozen french fries to eat and soap to wash with. I tried to keep smiling but when you are hungry it's hard.

My spirit and body were breaking down in syncronicity. I really began to feel as if I was being punished for my stubborness...my arrogance...my penchant towards procrastination. It was a spiritual Katrina. My reality was beginning to be washed away by a sea of negativity and indifference. And seemingly all I could do is sit and watch as it got worse and worse.

Every door I tried to walk through was slammed shut in my face.

Battered, bruised, and BROKE I continued to explore my options until, quite unbelievably, something positive came to pass...One of my co-works/friends was leaving to accept another position at another school and "I" would be his replacement.

What did that mean?

It meant TWICE the pay...

It meant double the apartment size (2 Bedroom)..

It meant that I had another chance to get it right.

So I'm here today in my office typing this entry...TIRED as hell...but a week away from the first money I will have seen in nearly 6 months. My body is still broken down from the lack of a PROPER diet. I am 5 to 10 pounds lighter because of it (which for a skinny brother like me is not good)..My energy level is extremely low..BUT...

I'm still standing and I thank the MOST HIGH everyday for the mental power s/he has bestowed upon me to continue walking, breathing, and being.

I had to be stripped of my pretentiousness and my pride before I could be receptive to what the real message was; That no one is immune from the tides of life...There can be no great gains without equally great losses. And the true lesson is not in the ENDS but, in fact, is in the MEANS.

I am humbled...

I am gracious...

I have newly evolved to a different stage of human-ness.

And tho I may have been a primary conspirator--however conscious or unconsciously--to my downfall, s/he who knew me before I knew myself would not concede to the plot.

I'm still standing and it's a beautiful feeling.

On a Lighter Note.....

2005-10-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hello All....Expect my thoughts on the "Millions More Movement" later this week...What I will say now is "what a hypocritical mess"....

BUT ON A LIGHTER NOTE...Check this clip out...This has to be quite possibly the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen...

All I will say is

JAMES BROWN + DRUGS+ A LIVE INTERVIEW = SOME HILARIOUS SHIT...

CLICK BELOW

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jamesbrown.html

PeaceLoveandEternity...

Q

Dear Mr. Preacher

2005-10-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

"Dear Mr. Preacher"

By: HX

Dear Mr. Preacher,

In your pews
there are faggots
that you refuse
to see...

They stay
and pray
in spite of
bearing witness to
what passionate bedfellows
Heaven
and
Hell make..

They pray--
scorned in the flesh
then burned at the stake.

Freedom

2005-10-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Freedom: As described by Eastons Bible Dictionary

The law of Moses pointed out the cases in which the servants of the Hebrews were to receive their freedom (Ex. 21:2-4, 7, 8; Lev. 25:39-42, 47-55; Deut.15:12-18). Under the Roman law the "freeman" (ingenuus) was one born free; the"freedman" (libertinus) was a manumitted slave, and had not equal rights with the freeman (Acts 22:28; comp. Acts 16:37-39; 21:39; 22:25; 25:11, 12).
Source: Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary

Let us remember in this day and age...In America...which some would describe as the NEW Rome...That the word "Freedom" has little to nothing to do with equality and justice.

Upon the declaration of the Emancipation Proclamation enslaved American Africans became "Freedmen;"

We live today free in body but still suffering the vast inequities that are a legacy of de jure segregation (Jim Crow)...Some politicians would say it is not the job of government to interrupt your life on a personal level; America's greatness is in this FREEDOM to be un-touched by government. REALLY?

Shouldn't there be an interruption for the millions living in poverty?

What about the millions who can't read or write and are destined to live in poverty because they do not and will not have suitable access to a quality education that will prepare them to be competitive in the "market"?

What about the hundreds of thousands of black and brown faces in our correction system who are NOT being rehabilitated/corrected? The vast majority of them being incarcerated for non-violent drug offenses. I am sure many would say they had the FREEDOM to choose another way to make it in life. But what happens when you live in a system that has unfairly and severely reduced the amount of options one can choose? It makes it that much easier to choose the WRONG one.

This concept of FREEDOM as the American economic/political machine has shaped it to be is perverse and damn near criminal...

Freedom without the "checks" of equality and justice is simply another tool that the Ruling Class in this country use to justify their continued exploitation and oppression of the masses; be them black or white, gay or straight, male or female...
So you should understand this point when George Bush and his corporate millitia are throwing around the word "Freedom."

Until there is true equity and justice for all persons there truly is no FREEDOM. Don't be fooled!

Moving In & The Consistency Pains

2005-10-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well..it's official..I've moved into my apartment...A nice little semi-spacious two bedroom abode.

Me and my good friend/co-worker HartfordLady left the office at around 3:30 yesterday and hightailed it across campus here to pick up my stuff. I had to deal with two hours of her screaming at me because of the way I was packed. In true MALE fashion nothing was quite organized. My claim to fame is using old shoeboxes to move some items...HartfordLady warned me..

"I'm not moving no fuckin' shoeboxes"

Needless to say my complete ignoring of that statement and her love for me made her move them anyway.

We got a hell of a workout too since the new place is on the THIRD floor of a three family house. Nothing like some old skool wooden steps to make you feel the burn. She almost collapsed and I was one big ball of sweat in my pink Kenneth Cole shirt (that I bought at Marshalls by the way...act like you know). So we eventually got all my shit up there and she took off and I was left to piece together this vast puzzle of an apartment. Had to move the dining room table into the kitchen but it wouldn't fit through the door...SOOO..I had to take it apart and move it. Had to move a couch from the bedroom to the dining room area. It wouldn't fit through the door..SOO..I had to take the legs off. Then unpack everything...clothes, kitchenware, miscellaneous items...THEN set up the bedroom and do laundry. When I finally laid my head to the pillow in my bed it was 3:30 a.m. LOTS of work...But I am still blessed to have what I have..

Now if I could only get some meaningful company over to help me christen these rooms then it would all be complete...soon enough...Until that "meaningful" person comes along I have taken a vow of psuedo-celibacy...That means that just like in the NFL my celibacy can be "under review" after I take a look at the "instant replay" of the situation.... (does masturbation count if you are celibate?)...But anyways...Life goes on..

Then there are the Boys (sometimes called men)...

They say they are gonna call...but they don't...

They say they want to settle down into something real...but they won't...

They say they are mature but yet are satisfied with their ignorance...

I am no longer willing to consistently put myself through the ringer for people who cannot and will not consistenly confront themselves in an effort to be better than they were yesterday...

I have learned that if you want to know how someone will TREAT you you need to take a REAL good look at how they treat themselves...

So he's got a nice face...a nice body...a big dick...deep pockets...a nice car...a nice apartment..college degree(s)...

But in what condition is his soul?

To be materially successful when your soul is still in shackles is like driving a car with no brakes..
So knowing I've saved myself from being a passenger in that car time and time again makes "psuedo-celibacy" even sweeter than any orgasm..

Get in the habit of consistently questioning and saving yourself before you ask someone to take that ride with you..

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

George & I

2005-09-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

"George & I"

George Said:

"The World is a Toll-Free Toilet..."

and "I" Said...

"Clogged with Red, White, and Blue Shit"

Orgasms (A Sexual Public Service Announcement)

2005-09-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

"Orgasms (A Sexual Public Service Announcement)"

Written By: HX

Orgasms

are cool

But

as you

run outta juice

who will remain?

Save your fruit

for the One

who will know

of its sweetness

without

ever tasting...

10 Things About Myself That I Love/Dislike

2005-09-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

10 Things About ME That I Love:

(1) My singing voice --if I could just get over the self doubt I could be the next big thing

(2) My lips-- yes the soup coolers get the job done..NEVER had a complaint!

(3) My brain--I think, and think, and think..and my quest for knowledge has been the only thing that has kept me alive.

(4) My cooking skills-Ya boy can burn somethin serious in the kitchen

(5) My verbal skills--I have always prided myself on being able to articulate complex things in a simple way..and I just TALK ALOT

(6) My feet--I've been told I have nice feet...I think so too

(7) My sense of humor--I can be witty with the best of them. Some people seem to believe I could make a good living on standup comedy...music and poetry are really in my heart...But hey, who says you can't be a jack of all trades.

(8) My writing skills--I never knew how good I could write until I actually started reading some of my old college papers and THIS blog...There is a certain passion that radiates off the page when words are carefully and artfully places together

(9) My loyalty--Some might call it a blessing and others might call it a curse...But if I am WITH YOU then I am WITH YOU. It's the Leo in me. But don't cross me...We also bite...

(10) My relationship with the Almighty--It's not based on a church..or even a specific religious denomination...s/he and I just talk...and every answer that I've wanted to get I've eventually gotten...Even in my confusion I am blessed..

10 Things About ME That I Dislike
(hate is never an appropriate word)

(1) My speaking voice--I have ALWAYS hated it. Perhaps it goes back to being teased as a youngster because of my slight "lisp"

(2) My Shyness--At certain times I can be VERY VERY outgoing and talkative...the center of attention..then at other times I can be VERY timid..usually when it comes to artistic matters (I am very sensitive about my SHIT..like Badu) and matters of the heart

(3) My brain--I think too damn much...Sometimes you just wanna shut that shit off and just biologically react to external stimuli

(4) The way I sometimes treat those who are close to me--I tend to deal with things by shutting down completely...Those who know me and love me know that sometimes NO NEWS means GOOD NEWS from me...I find that silence can be soothing...But this can convey a very different message to others

(5) My face--From certain angles I just dont like it..ENOUGH SAID!

(6) My Uptight-ness--I am very sensitive to energy in my environment...sometimes that energy just makes me snappy and unresponsive..sometimes this spills over into my personal relationships..

(7) My legs in shorts--I am a skinny dude...5'9"...150-155..so when I put shorts on my skinny-ness is exposed...I used to think it was sexy...But after a million "chicken-leg" jokes I just tend to wear mostly jeans in the summer..(although I still think I look fly in my shorts...I am always on alert)

(8) My thumbs--I just dont like the way they are shaped...Certain kind of thumbs are sexier than others.

(9) My Head Size--I can only wear size 8 fitted hats...So this makes getting all the ones I want kinda difficult at times...If I ever make it big I am starting a line of hats for PLUS SIZE Headed men and women called "Phat Caps."

(10) My laziness at times--I can be a serial procrastinator...This is not good when you are tryin to make moves in life...Sure we are young--But that certainly doesn't guarantee that we have the time.

So what are some of your loves/dislikes about YOURself?

Rashawn Brazell & America's Most Wanted

2005-09-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Please tune in to "America's Most Wanted" this Saturday, September 24th 2005 at 9 pm on FOX

They will be featuring the Rashawn Brazell case...

FINALLY, his brutal murder is getting the much needed attention it deserves.

If you want further information go to

http://rashawnbrazell.com

and

http://amw.com/fugitives/brief.cfm?id=32526

LET US NEVER FORGET!!!

We Will Not Be Moved

2005-09-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

"We Will Not Be Moved"

Written By: HX

You call us out of our names
But we will not be moved
You gave us war, poverty, and AIDS
But we will not be moved
Genocidal white faces
Fixin' the law for eternal rule
And when 41 bullets fly your way
Tell 'em
We will not be moved

They got your Jesus versus mine
But we will not be moved
Trapped in the ghetto behind red lines
They don't want us to be moved
Middle passage in modern times
We will not be moved
Drown a single mother while you wine and dine
But we will not be moved

Deception concieved by the cowards that be
will never evolve into personal divinity...
Choices made with a silver blade
to the neck of anyone who dare objects to the destruction you protect...
I'm here to admit it first
It's because of you
that there's hell on earth...

And as it's ending
We will not be moved
When it's over
We will not be moved
We got somethin to prove....

I Met A Woman....

2005-09-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

I Met a Woman tonight who touched my soul in a way that no other human being has EVER touched it...

I rejected the ritualistic practice of Christianity years ago when I learned that its practicioners were more concerened with profit and appearances than actually sustaining, healing, and reviving the spirits of their parishoners...

This woman told me about Cuba...Africa...losing everything yet gaining the satisfaction of happiness through a connection with the true worship experience of people of African ancestry...

In a crowded bar full of professionals I cried...A grown man cried into a bar napkin soaked with mojito and cosmopolitan..

This woman allowed me to see the future...She allowed me to see a possible pathway to the closer relationship with myself and the Almighty..

In her I saw the answer to the question that I had known all along but was too afraid to admit to....

I'd been searching for a "new religion" and always knew I would find something more significant...

This is my first step toward the source....

PeaceLoveandEternity

Q

P.S. Tomorrow or perhaps Saturday..."We Will Not Be Moved"...A poem/song about God that s/he has allowed me to present as not being exclusively about her/him...

Conscience

2005-09-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

Conscience--The part of the superego in psychoanalysis that judges the ethical nature of one's actions and thoughts and then transmits such determinations to the ego for consideration

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Where would our country be if our leaders had one?

Where would your life be if you listened to YOURS?

Articles of Impeachment

2005-09-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Go To http://www.impeachbush.org and get on board!!!!

Found an interesting READ there...

Articles of Impeachment
of
President George W. Bush
and
Vice President Richard B. Cheney,
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, and
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez

The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors. - - ARTICLE II, SECTION 4 OF THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

President George W. Bush, Vice President Richard B. Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald H.Rumsfeld, and Attorney General John David Ashcroft have committed violations and subversions of the Constitution of the United States of America in an attempt to carry out with impunity crimes against peace and humanity and war crimes and deprivations of the civil rightsof the people of the United States and other nations, by assuming powers of an imperial executive unaccountable to law and usurping powers of the Congress, the Judiciary and those reserved to the people of the United States, by the following acts:

1) Seizing power to wage wars of aggression in defiance of the U.S. Constitution, the U.N. Charter and the rule of law;carrying out a massive assault on and occupation of Iraq, a country that was not threatening the United States, resulting in the death and maiming of tens of thousands of Iraqis, and hundreds of U.S. G.I.s.

2) Lying to the people of the U.S., to Congress, and to the U.N., providing false and deceptive rationales for war.

3) Authorizing, ordering and condoning direct attacks on civilians, civilian facilities and locations where civilian casualties were unavoidable.

4) Threatening the independence and sovereignty of Iraq by belligerently changing its government by force and assaulting Iraq in a war of aggression.

5) Authorizing, ordering and condoning assassinations, summary executions, kidnappings, secretand other illegal detentions of individuals, torture and physical and psychological coercion of prisoners to obtain false statements concerning acts and intentions of governments and individuals and violating within the United States, and by authorizing U.S. forces and agents elsewhere, the rights of individuals under the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.

6) Making, ordering and condoning false statements and propaganda about the conduct of foreign governments and individuals and acts by U.S. government personnel; manipulating the media and foreign governments with false information; concealing information vital to public discussion and informed judgment concerning acts, intentions and possession, or efforts to obtain weapons of mass destruction in order to falsely create a climate of fear and destroy opposition to U.S. wars of aggression and first strike attacks.

7) Violations and subversions of the Charter of the United Nations and international law, both apart of the "Supreme Law of the land" under Article VI, paragraph 2, of the Constitution, in an attempt to commit with impunity crimes against peace and humanity and war crimes in wars and threats of aggression against Afghanistan, Iraq and others and usurping powers of the United Nations and the peoples of its nations by bribery, coercion and other corrupt acts and by rejecting treaties, committing treaty violations, and frustrating compliance with treaties in order to destroy any means by which international law and institutions can prevent, affect, or adjudicate the exercise of U.S. military and economic power against the international community.

8) Acting to strip United States citizens of their constitutional and human rights, ordering indefinite detention of citizens, without access to counsel, without charge, and without opportunity to appear before a civil judicial officer to challenge the detention, based solely on the discretionary designation by the Executive of a citizen as an "enemy combatant."

9) Ordering indefinite detention of non-citizens in the United States and elsewhere, and without charge, at the discretionary designation of the Attorney General or the Secretary of Defense.

10) Ordering and authorizing the Attorney General to override judicial orders of release of detainees under INS jurisdiction, even where the judicial officer after full hearing determines adetainee is wrongfully held by the government.

11) Authorizing secret military tribunals and summary execution of persons who are not citizens who are designated solely at the discretion of the Executive who acts as indicting official, prosecutor and as the only avenue of appellate relief.

12) Refusing to provide public disclosure of the identities and locations of persons who have been arrested, detained and imprisoned by the U.S. government in the United States, including inresponse to Congressional inquiry.

13) Use of secret arrests of persons within the United States and elsewhere and denial of the right to public trials.

14) Authorizing the monitoring of confidential attorney-client privileged communications by the government, even in the absence of a court order and even where an incarcerated person has not been charged with a crime.

15) Ordering and authorizing the seizure of assets of persons in the United States, prior to hearing or trial, for lawful or innocent association with any entity that at the discretionary designation of the Executive has been deemed "terrorist."

16) Institutionalization of racial and religious profiling and authorization of domestic spying by federal law enforcement on persons based on their engagement in noncriminal religious and political activity.

17) Refusal to provide information and records necessary and appropriate for the constitutional right of legislative oversight of executive functions.

18) Rejecting treaties protective of peace and human rights and abrogation of the obligations of the United States under, and withdrawal from, international treaties and obligations without consent of the legislative branch, and including termination of the ABM treaty between theUnited States and Russia, and rescission of the authorizing signature from the Treaty of Rome which served as the basis for the International Criminal Court.

I THINK THERE IS A CASE HERE!!!

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday

2005-09-14T01:11:00.000-07:00

--It's funny how Californians are now displeased with their governor...You elected THE TERMINATOR!!!!! Hello?????!!!! What the FUCK did you expect...I am officially demanding that all California residents SHUT THE HELL UP until his term is completed. You all should live with that FOOLISH decision....

--I find it truly fascinating and sad how our government has used race for the express purposes of supressing any kind of class consciousness in this country. Historically Republicans and Democrats alike have used this concept of race to create a dichotomy that divided the poor in America and created a battle over scarce resources while the wealthy continued to reap the financial benefits of the underclass' lack of 'unity'. Generally, what comes with whiteness is a nearly limitless social mobility and, henceforth, greater potential access to resources in society compared to their brown-skinned breathren who will undoubtedly hit the "glass ceiling" along the way. In short...there is a REWARD system for whiteness that makes it more beneficial (for wealthy whites and poor alike) NOT to form a class coalition with black folks. This is what Dr. King was inching towards at the end of his life...And we know how that story ended. The corporate oligarchs will do WHATEVER it takes to maintain control. Using race as a divisive tool has been one of the more successful tactics.

--I made the above point to basically say that not only does George Bush not care about BLACK people but he does not care about POOR people.

--Being successful in America has less to do with merit and ability and more with the network that one is connected to. GREATER access to resources = a larger potential network...The problem is that ones race, ethnicity, class, gender, sexual orientation all have SIGNIFICANT effects on the amount of access one can have. WHITE, ANGLO-SAXON, PROTESTANT, HETEROSEXUAL, MALES run the show and any deviation(s) from those categories places you at a disadvantage. Meritocracy DOES NOT EXIST.

--DAMN @ Trey Songz...The music aint that bangin but I could just look at him endlessly.

--Am I the only one that is neither excited nor thrilled about the 10th Anniversary of the Million Man March. The fact that GLBT speakers are still not being allowed to participate in a more active role is troubling and hypocritical. How can we, in good conscience, make demands on our government for equal rights and protection if we cannot and will not allow all delegations of our people under the "tent." Just as minister Farrakhan has said numerous times about Black folk not waiting for or depending on a "Benevolent" White person to represent OUR best interests, "we" cannot wait for/or depend on a "benevolent" Black Heterosexual to represent the best interest(s) of the black GLBT community (which includes everyone from Queens to the lot of us that still occupy various spaces in the closet like myself). I suppose I will still tune in to the events on C-Span when it all goes down.

That's all that's flying thru my mind for now.....

PeaceLoveandEternity...

Q

1640 Days

2005-09-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

My life is slowly but surely piecing itself back together...

I am transitioning into a new job (with more responsibility)..soon will have a bigger place to live and another chance to make things RIGHT the right way...

But as I sit here and continue to thank the almighty for the continued blessings that s/he has bestowed upon me I still feel somewhat unfulfilled...

I sat here and did the long hand multiplication and addition and realized that it has been roughly 1,640 days since I last was committed to another human being.

1,640 days since I smiled when I thought about you....1,640 days since you made me cry...

1,640 days since my world came crashing down into what seemed to be a trillion indecipherable pieces...

It's been 1,640 days since I last loved someone without questioning the source or the reason...

1,640 days since I allowed another human being to make me feel priceless and useless at the same damn time...

I hear what everyone has told me about being alone...Loving yourself...Finding freedom...All the generic psycho-babble bullshit that comes from folks who are themselves in denial about their own situations.

It's been 1,640 days since I had the love...and I am sick and tired of pretending that I don't miss it...

But perhaps if I have gone 1,640 days then one more day's wait won't kill me...

So whoever you are...

I'm here...waiting.

Thoughts and Reflections of a Black Man in America

Returning...standing in the mirror

A Letter to Carol About Barack's Win

Live and In Living Color!

Back from the Afterlife

A Poem For Those of You Who Thought You'd Never Fall In Love Again

Sponge

Imagination

Repost: A Boy Named Jesus

Resolved.

The Ballad of The Earth People

Mi Vida...Es Verdad?

Mother Africa

Welcome Back!

Things I am Realizing on the Eve of My 26th Birthday

America....Think About It...

Puerto Rico Revisited

Soak Up The Sun

Dr. Quaheem

Manifesto

The Big "O"

UPDATES!

REPOST: "JustUs"

St. Valentines Day

10 Q's From Q

The Recovery

Enlightenment and Insanity

The End of a Love Affair

Glass O' Wine

The Poet

Nigger

Vegas Memories PT II

Vegas Part II

I Saw The Devil Today

10 Q's from Q

The Beginnings of a Love Affair (So It Seems)

(When It Get's Right Down 2 It) I Still Love You

Where The Hell You Been Boy?

I'm Alive

Vegas Memories

Changes

10 Q's From Q

Vegas On My Mind

Growing Up

Yes I am Crazy (A Post About me Owning It)

Blog-oversary

Decisions...

Come to Jesus

I am beautiful dammit!

10 Q's from Q

The Prophet and The Fool

On: Why I Never Committed Suicide

Quaheem SPEAKS

Ask Quaheem

Back on Da Block

DC Bound

Water & The Grapes and The Vine

10 Q's from Q

Truth Is...

Empty & With U

Pre-Valentine's Day Meditation..."Me"

Technicolor Lover

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself....

The Living.....

10 Q's From Q

The Inetrview

On MLK and the MYTH of Black Leadership Past and Present

Picture This

JustUs

Resolved

10 Q's from Q

The Spirit Works in Mysterious Ways....

A Boy Named Jesus

I Never Had a Dream Come True...*Revisisted*

Random Thoughts on a FRIDAY

The Weight (Meditation #1)

Thanksgiving Craziness...Tales from the DRUNK side...and The Jumpoff

The Resurrection of Kyle Black

I Never Had A Dream Come True

Temptation

I Never Had a Dream Come True...Revisisted